Mourning Into Dancing

“Some wandered in the wilderness, lost and homeless. Hungry and thirsty, they nearly died. ‘Lord, help!” they cried in their trouble, and He rescued them from their distress. He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live” (Psalm 107: 4-7).

Yesterday when I was praying, God spoke quickly and firmly to my heart.

“I am not your first love anymore,” came the voice of the Holy Spirit, piercing through my daily-distracted Psalm reading.

In an instant, I realized all of the things I am slowly allowing to come between me and a passionate relationship with Jesus; my fun to-do lists, my family, my daily tasks, preparing for work…

But distractions are always at the door - waiting to sneak in and keep me from His feet. However, I have always been so purposeful about setting my eyes of Christ and running towards Him - no matter how many things to needed to get done. What has happened?

The Psalmist describes God’s children wandering in the wilderness while lost, homeless, and hungry. I know very personally those feelings. When they cry out to their Father, He indeed delivers them “straight to safety, a city where they could live. “

That is who the Lord is - a good Father who delivers His children into safety when they cry out. I know that personally, too. He delivered them; He delivered me.

Now I live in safety, with the goodness of God all around me - but slowly my heart is forgetting how much I need Him. Life isn’t chaotic, I’m doing okay - yet each day I am becoming a little less dependent on the One who brought me here. Each day I become a little more confident in myself and my ability to make my life happen without the overwhelming Presence of my Jesus.

I’m a fool, though, if I think that I don’t wake up every morning wandering in the desert of my self-focus and small agendas. I need Him as much as I ever did - and I am even more hungry, lost, and tired than I realize if I have forgotten my daily desperate need for Jesus.

Slowly and painfully, God showed me some things I need to do differently. Steps and choices I need to make each day to start putting Jesus first (and middle… and last…) in my life and heart.

Whatever it takes, God. Because you are worth it all to me - and I want to live a life again that reflects that truth. Amen.

I used to complain and moan about ALL MY EMAILS …the sixty to ninety emails I’d sit down and need to answer each week…

Now… when I step down from a big volunteer role at church in preparation for teaching… when I streamline my activities so I am LESS BUSY…

…I get, like, five emails a week. Total.

Why am I so depressed about this? Why do I keep checking my inbox?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

WHY CAN’T I EVER BE HAPPY WITH HOW THINGS ARE???!!

This morning was wonderful.

For the first time in several weeks, I woke up without any hand pain. My hand could open and close and I could feel all my fingers.

“How’s your hand?” Hugh mumbled from his side of the bed as he heard me take off my brace.

“Ooooh… Ooooh…” I said, feeling each finger gingerly, “So good.”

I don’t have words. Physical pain is so deeply draining, so consuming - even when I’ve tried to focus on God and my family these last few weeks, I’ve given only a small fraction of myself. The rest has been focused on the pain.

But not today. Today I made coffee, whispering under my breath, “this is the day you have made, Lord, I will rejoice and be glad.” I sat with my family at the table for breakfast, I noticed how cute my husband looked making instant oatmeal, and I took a bath.

I have forgotten each day is a gift.

My health is a gift.

Reading the Bible in the tub and focusing on Jesus is a gift.

Having the energy to be fully present with my family today is a gift.

I have no guarantee that my wrist treatment will hold; I still may need surgery. But today I am going to be fully alive with my family. I will live today with a joyful and happy heart, saying:

“This is the day You have made, Father. I will rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24).”

Blog post ideas from my notebook today:

1. A long, funny description of my new tablet PC ending with an explanation as to how long it takes me to write emails and so if you get an email from me and it is super short, you will understand.

2. Try to draw a picture with my new software and post it. This may be a problem because I can’t draw at all. Sigh.

3. Write Hebrews 4:11 at top. Talk about rest. Except when I start to write this post, it is all about my stupid hand pain again, so NEVER MIND.

4. Talk about Hugh taking kids to a drop-off childcare center. Complain about lack of family to watch kids. Realize there is nothing encouraging in this post. Scrap this idea quickly.

5. Write James 1:4 at top. Think about wisdom. Realize God can give wisdom if I only ask! Yeah! Try to write about this but then I go and get myself ginger ale and become totally distracted.

As I lie in bed waiting for my fever to break, my nausea to subside, and my doctor to give me some new pain medication, I have realized I have not wasted this day after all. No! I have learned a great deal from my six hours of television:

1. Angelina Jolie hasn’t had her twins yet. E News interrupted “101 Biggest Celebrity Oops” to tell me this fact. Oops number 76: Mariah Carey in the movie “Glitter”.

2. Even though I haven’t watched “Days of Our Lives” in over seven years, I still knew vaguely what was happening. Darn that Stefano! Still up to his old tricks - and apparently erasing John’s memory and saving it on a little disk. Did I really use to order my day around when this show came on?

3. Cindy Crawford, upset that I can’t get in to see her amazing dermatologist personally, has put together a great new skin care line for me. She told me all about it, and really, it seems like something I need to order right away.

4. Hugh bought me a tablet PC. That has nothing to do with tv, but I had to share how amazing my husband is! Now I can write important posts like this one.

5. Finally, I learned the plethora of choices available to me on Movies on Demand, including “Zombie Strippers.” Surely “Zombie Strippers” fits somewhere on the list of 101 Biggest Oops. Seriously.

“And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desires in scorched places and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.”

Isaiah 58:11

Growing a garden takes time. At least, that is what I’ve been told. The closest thing I have done in my life that resembles growing a garden would be eating prepackaged organic salad mix.

I don’t feel like I am growing much of anything lately. The different things I was pouring myself out on have been slid frantically to the back burner while I try to fix my hand.

I have to have surgery-the sooner, the better! I must wear my brace! I should try a different anti-inflammatory!

I continue to be a beast to my family-each day I am a little more discouraged at my lack of godly resolve and quiet acceptance as I wake up ticked off at the world.

This morning I did my now-daily repentance for the previous day’s failings. I prayed for help with my attitude. I flipped through Isaiah 58.

Then I decided to spend some time praying for other people. I mean, really, my bad attitude has been well bathed in prayer. Why not.

I began to pray for Hugh… my children… Amanda… Kelly… the women in my Bible study… I started praying through their needs and  lifting them up to God.

As I did, I turned up the worship music on my iPod and lifted up both hands. I could feel the pain in my wrist but for the first time in a while, I wasn’t thinking about it.

I began to lose myself in the Presence of God and, oh! how sweet it was. How wonderful to have my eyes off of ME and firmly on Him.

God’s Word promises me that He will give strength to my bones and that I will be a watered garden. Every day. I can choose the seeds I am planting: anger and self-focus… or praise and intercession.

Father, help me to choose You. I love You. 

My father-in-law just called us and told Hugh and I that they want our kids (all. three. kids.) to come up to the farm for two weeks.

Two weeks?

First, are they insane? I mean, I love my children but they are a ton of work.

Second, could I survive without my children for that long?

What would I do? Would I do a bunch of projects? Repaint the upstairs? Sleep in everyday and watch TLC for five hours?

The thought of being without my children that long is sort of disorienting. I would miss them so much but I know they would have so much more fun with Grandma and Grandpa than with me (aka, Wrist in Pain and Cranky Mommy).

Maybe it would be good for them to be gone as Hugh and I are probably going to have a two-week fight once he figures out I was sneaking around on my computer and typed this post.

Sigh.

Hm. What to do?

“The Lord is for me; I will not fear” (Psalm 118:6).

Yesterday I dropped Lucy getting her out of her car seat. My hand went limp, and I couldn’t hold her. “I’m o-kay, Mommy,” she said. But I felt all this anger rise up in me as I tried to pick her up.

This is my new friend - anger. Anger at my hand for not working, anger at Amanda for not knowing what to say to make me feel better, anger at Hugh for not helping me enough, anger at my kids. I am surprised at quickly I have become used to being angry.

I am angry at myself, too. For behaving badly when I have a relatively minor health problem. How can it be shaking me this badly? But it is.

I am angry that I cannot write in the same way. I miss writing so much. I hold my pen awkwardly after I pray, hoping that the words will flow across the white paper as quickly as they do my computer screen. They don’t. And I am angry again.

At the root of my anger is a lack of faith in God. I don’t believe He is on my side, or I would trust Him for what is happening in my life. My huge angry response shows a huge lack of trust.

I read Psalm 118 this morning. Verse six says that, “the Lord is for me; I will not fear.” As I read the words, my heart began to pound. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my prayer chair, whispering the verse over and over.

“The Lord is for me…the Lord is for me…the Lord is for me…”

I have forgotten that He is for me. FOR me. He is for me.

For me. For me. For me.

He is not against me. He loves me. He wants good for my life, even when I don’t understand my circumstances. He is a good Father.

I have a choice today. I can choose to let anger control me - or I can choose to trust God with this day. If it is another day with pain, so be it.

My God is for me; I don’t need to be afraid.

God, I want to trust you. Your Word says that you are for me - so today I am going to believe that truth. You, Lord, are for me. You are in control of my life. You love me and want good for me. I don’t need to be afraid - even when I don’t understand. Thank you for this truth, God. You are so wonderful. In the name of Your Son, Amen.