Mourning Into Dancing

My best friend Amanda and her husband went on a cruise for their ten-year anniversary a few months ago. They had a glorious time snorkeling and exploring little islands. In addition to the typical cruise moments, they also became good friends with a couple that was assigned to the same table in the dining room.

“Sarah’s great!” Amanda gushed as she showed me pictures of the cruise. Sarah and her husband are funny, successful, and love to play cards – just like Amanda and Chris. In the months since the cruise, Amanda and her husband have gone to Georgia twice to visit their new friends. They’ve gone camping (”so fun”) and this weekend they are going to a Red Sox/Braves Game (”Sarah’s husband bought us home plate tickets – can you believe it? And we’re staying in their guest apartment! Sarah loves to cook and is getting a babysitter for us when we go out…”).

I am wondering if I can kill Sarah. If I had enough energy to get out of my stupid recliner and find a weapon, maybe I would. All my insecurities are flying to the surface lately since I’ve gotten sick, and my friendship with Amanda is not immune.

When I talk with Amanda, we discuss my medication. I give her a blow-by-blow of my counseling appointments and tell her the ways I am supposed to be finding acceptance for having a chronic illness. Amanda points out that I need heat therapy for some of my joints, and we talk about the best kind of Shiatsu massager for my back.

I am too tired for cards. Too tired for shopping. I can’t sit through a baseball game, because I can’t sit on hard chairs without intense pelvic pain. I don’t laugh much; I struggle to remember to ask Amanda how things are in her life. I don’t think I’ll ever cook for her.

I have so little to give in my friendship with Amanda. So I am jealous of a woman I’ve never met and I wish that my best friend was spending the weekend with me instead of Sarah.

A tiny voice in my heart whispers the truth – Amanda loves me, she’s my sister, she doesn’t care that it’s hard to be my friend right now. But some days the insecurities win out and I feel jealous and alone.

All I have to give right now is love, Amanda. I wish I could give you more of me. I want to be fun and laugh and plan crazy days. I miss having energy to stay up late watching “Coming to America” and eating tiramisu.

I miss having the strength to be a good friend.

(But I think you should still warn Sarah to be on the lookout for a crazed-looking, shuffling blond woman. I might have enough strength to do something foolish. Just sayin’.)

The first time I heard Michael Jackson’s music I was a young girl living in San Francisco. I listened to “Beat It” as I danced around our shabby third-floor apartment, holding Ronald the Cabbage Patch doll high as we moved together to the rhythm.

Watching Michael’s music video for “Thriller” was forbidden, of course. It would scare me, my mother warned. Which – as you know – made watching “Thriller” the top priority of my life. It was terrifying and incredible all at once as Michael and his zombies danced down the dark street.

His music grew up with me. I bought every new Michael Jackson tape and played them loudly in my green Casio boom box. When “Man in the Mirror” came out, I listened to the song until I knew every word. Michael told me to “make that change” at the end of the song, his voice rich with conviction. Oh, Michael, I thought, yes! I, too, can change! I can stop my foolish ten-year-old behavior and become a better person.

The pinnacle of Michael’s music came with the release of the album “Dangerous”. It came out my freshman year of high school, and Michael was full of musical brilliance. I played the album over and over – taking it with me on my weekend trips to the mountains with my wealthy prep school friends. “Dayne—jer—us!” Meridith and I crooned loudly in our matching GAP pajamas.

As I made my way through high school, though, I drifted away from Michael’s music. I became cool and listened to Nirvana and Violent Femmes – after all, I lived in Seattle and I dripped with angst. No more melody for me, thank you. I said “good-bye” to the King of Pop and “hello” to young adulthood.

I vaguely followed Michael Jackson’s life the last fifteen years. He became a caricature of himself, and tragedy cloaked every news story mentioning him. Sad, I thought, if I thought of him at all.

So I wouldn’t have expected to be particularly moved by his death – but I am. I’ve spent all afternoon flooded with the memories I have of his music. “What’s your most profound memory involving Michael Jackson’s music?” I asked Hugh tonight as we shopped for an upcoming wedding.

My husband looked blankly at me and slowly shook his head. Um, no, he doesn’t have any memories, really.

Oh. Right. Maybe life hasn’t changed for Hugh because of this news. And, really, I guess my world will go on turning, too.

But I am mourning Michael Jackson’s death today because his music was the soundtrack of my childhood. When I hear it, I am seven years old again. I am untouched by the rough road that lies ahead of me. I am holding Ronald and we are dancing, dancing, dancing.

That’s the gift of music. And tonight I’m grateful.

(Calm music plays as Ron Lee steps on to the blue mat)

Lee:  Breathe in…Deeply…Feel the breath moving up your belly…Now release.

Jess (trying to unroll her blue mat): Crap.  Where’s the remote to pause…?

Lee:  Breathe again…The air is moving into your throat…Release.

(Jess begins breathing on newly unrolled mat.  Sweat is already forming on her forehead)

Lee:  Are you ready to relax?

Jess:  Not really.

Lee:  Stand at the edge of your mat.

(Jess tries to get up while Lee continues talking and giving instructions)

Lee:  Assume the standing dog position.  Now lower.  Now breathe.  Now repeat.

Jess (still getting up):  Standing dog???? Omigosh! What is the standing dog position?

Lee:  Now raise your hands.  Now lower into side position.  Now back.  Now front.  Now repeat.

Jess:  What?  WHAT???

Lee:  Sit.  Stand.  Repeat.  Standing Dog.  Breathe.  Arms out.  In.  Down.  Repeat.

Jess (one leg on the mat, one leg off in a sad attempt at standing dog position):  I can do this.  I can do this.

Lee:  Now warrior position.  Down.  Second warrior position.  Repeat.  Breathe.

(Music gets louder as Lee looks incredible peaceful.  Jess had collapsed on the blue mat)

Lee:  Breathe.  Breathe out the toxins.

Jess (groaning):  Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh…………

Lee: Are you breathing?

Jess: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Lee:  Now stand and repeat.  Begin to -

Jess (grabbing remote, she weakly waves it at the DVD player and turns it off):  Nope.  I’m done.

(Jess grabs the DVD out of the player and chucks it in the trash.  She then hobbles to a chair and assumes the “sitting down and reading blogs” position.  She is obviously finished with yoga for today.)

In the last twelve hours, I have started five different posts. Two were posts about my early life as a Mormon. They were full of interesting anecdotes, then tapered off to become extremely boring.  Baptisms for the dead…Mormon missionaries…blah blah blah…Sigh.

In the last twelve hours, my mother-in-law (whom we haven’t seen since the day of David’s funeral) decided to come down for a visit. She has never driven more then thirty minutes by herself until today. But she just arrived, laden with cookie-making materials. I would estimate she has lost almost forty pounds since February. She’s melted away – her face looks old and sad.

In the last twelve hours, I started planning my upcoming school year. I am vacillating between excitement and frustration as I try to figure out how I am going to teach High School English and History.

In the last twelve hours, I finally had a joyful prayer time. I repented for anger and lack of faith in God yesterday during church. We had communion and I cried.

In the last twelve hours, I went to Earth Fare and spent 322 dollars.  Last week in a crazy fit, I threw away everything in my house that wasn’t organic – even things like….salt. So I had to buy spices and vinegar. It felt like a “I just moved into a new house and there is nothing in my house” shopping trip.

In the last twelve hours, I made a “I’m Thankful” list. I am trying to be less bitter about RA and I wrote out things like: I’m thankful that RA is teaching me to slow down…I’m thankful that I can grow closer to God through pain. It was a small step for me. It felt good.

In the last twelve hours, I read almost two Christy Miller books. Oh, fun summer reading!

Dear Hugh,

I have some great news!  I felt a little better today and so I was able to keep my hair appointment! Since I was already out and feeling good, I decided to do a very small bit of shopping.

I knew you would want that for me, Hugh.  You know, because of MY DISEASE.

So.

I went to Marshall’s and guess what???

NYDJ’s were on sale for thirty bucks! I got a pair.  I also got a really cute pair of winter workout pants because:

1.  I will probably start working out at some point.

2.  The pants have this cute little pocket on the bottom of the pant leg. I think maybe it’s for your wallet or something.  Do people take their wallets with them when they exercise? Hm.

After Marshall’s I was still feeling good. So I went to Bath and Body Works.  Now, Hugh, you may not know this – BUT RIGHT NOW IS THE BIG BATH AND BODY WORKS SALE!!!

I bought Rain Kissed Leaves Body Wash for only $2.50!! (Don’t worry – I bought more than one…I knew you would want me to stock up).  I also bought Aromatherapy Energy Body Wash and Lotion (Hugh, I know you want me to have more energy).  I am realizing as I type this that I really bought these things for you…to make you happy by making ME happy!!

You are welcome, Hugh!

I then went to Talbot’s and bought two new shirts to go with my jeans.  This is because I need cute shirts to wear to the doctor, Hugh.  The shirts were on sale and I made sure NOT to apply for a Talbot’s charge card (although the woman did a good job explaining all the benefits).

That’s all, Hugh.  Are you proud of me?  Are you glad I have new jeans and soap?

I forgot how FUN shopping is – especially when you buy whatever you want and don’t pay any attention to how much things cost! Woo hoo!

I am off to take a bath and put on a new shirt.

Love,

Your Wife

I tried to write four different funny posts and was completely unable to come up with anything.  Surely I’ll feel funny later.  I could go and look and my face in a mirror – tired, currently broken out, and surrounded by limp hair – and maybe then I’d laugh.

Ha. Ha.

But in the midst of my creative drought, I saw this post about books on Marybeth’s blog, and I decided to post my answers to the questions here.

Here goes…

THE COOL READING QUESTION THINGY I SAW ON MARYBETH’S BLOG (and, um, the answers are mine…not Marybeth’s…):

1. What author do you own the most books by?  George MacDonald.  I heart George – even if no one knows who he is…

2. What book do you own the most copies of?  The Bible.  Of Course.

3. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?  Mr. Darcy. Of course.

4. What book have you read the most times in your life?  The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot.  Love.

5. Favorite book as a ten year old? Sadly, I read V.C. Andrews as a ten-year old.  Her books were dark and disturbing tales of 1ncest and murder.  I wish I could say something more cheerful, but there it is.

6. What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year? Oh, ugh.  Twilight was just awful.  Half of my girl students were in love with the series and so I read the first book over Christmas. It was painful to get through – possibly because there was no plot or character development.

7. What is the best book you’ve read in the past year? In the Middle by Nancy Atwell – It’s an education book that really influenced my teaching. She taught me how to bring writing and reading ALIVE to my students.

8. If you could force everyone you know to read one book, what would it be? People shouldn’t be forced to read books.

9. What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?  Dante’s Inferno.  I kept telling people in college that I “totally got it” and “wow, this book is amazing.” But I didn’t get it.  Something about circles of hell, I don’t know.

10. What are you reading right now? I am rereading The Christy Miller series by Robin Jones Gunn because it makes me happy and not depressed. I read them as a young Christian and loved them. It was either Christy Miller or Gossip Girl yesterday at Barnes and Noble…I decided against Gossip Girl because I need to get closer to Jesus.

Oooooooh! Answer the questions!! That would be fun!!