This morning I woke up and I prayed.

I am spiritually weak, almost dead, but my current life circumstances drew me to Him.

Yesterday Hugh went to pick up our kids from his mother in Indiana – she kept them for a week, something that hasn’t happened since David died over two years ago. She and David used to keep the kids for us several times a year – and I took it for granted, really.

While Hugh was gone, he asked me to work on our budget. Big mistake. Not that he asked me (he’s been asking for weeks) but that I was by myself when I sat down and crunched the “post-Jess-has-a-job” numbers.

I faithfully entered numbers in little categories, then started crying. I don’t see how we can afford three private school tuitions without my job. And, to be really honest, I don’t want the kids to continue attending the school where I used to teach. It is painful to see my old students and old co-workers.

But public school? We’ve never considered it. Homeschool? I’m terrified to try with my illness – afraid that homeschooling would turn into “watch tv all day while Mommy sleeps because it’s a bad pain day” instead of real learning.

So I got up early and prayed for a really long time. I was honest with God about my feelings. I read Psalm 18 and listened to Jesus Culture on Pandora. I wrote some verses in my Prayer Notebook.

And I don’t have any answers, but my load feels a little lighter right now. I’m a little stronger as I face this day.

I lay in bed and thought about the current book I am reading: “The Prodigal Comes Home” by Michael English. It is his story of failure – epic failure – and his consequent understanding of God’s mercy, something he knew nothing about while claiming his Dove awards and singing to sold-out crowds.

I get up to read my book. But before I do – I grab my Bible, close my eyes, and whisper, “Jesus…”

That’s it. One-word prayers – that’s what I do now. I fight down the “not long enough, not good enough, not spiritual enough” voices that speak immediately to me…and I open my Bible.

I read in 2 Corinthians.

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory. are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit…”

Just for a second, His Presence overwhelms me.

Like this long-dead giant groaning again in my gut, I remember what HE felt like to me…His bigness and His tenderness and His incredible love…I feel Jesus.

That second was worth more to me than I can really describe. Mostly I’m grateful – grateful that He would show Himself to me this morning, and give me a brief moment in His vastness.

My illness is more under control lately – so much so that I am *hopefully* considering teaching part-time. I don’t know if I will be able to teach at my old school, but at this point, I’d teach in a dumpster as long as it meant being around crazy teenagers again.

My mind is blank – empty – worn-out – from what is happening with my friend. But I am determined to keep blogging, so here is my sad little post on the latest from my life.

love,
jess