1. Write a list of things I do during the day since I’m not working.

2. Watch one…two…three… FOUR… FIVESIXSEVEN…EIGHT …STOPITSTOPIT…episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Which I always said seemed like an incredibly slimy show and I would never watch it. I am apparently a hypocrite.

3. Make a plan to start exercising any day now. Look up the group exercise class schedule of my local Y. Wonder if something called “Ladies on the Go” could possibly be any fun. Am I, perhaps, a lady on the go?

4. Play on my ipad.

5. Walk out to the kitchen and look at the breakfast dishes. Walk away.

6. Call Amanda and talk extensively about how I have no time for cleaning or exercising.

7. Take a shower.

8. Spend time searching careerbuilder.com for teaching jobs. Note that the only available teaching jobs are at daycare centers. Shudder as I remember working at “Dream Academy” during College. Cry because I am not teaching.

9. Go to the grocery store and buy a hot rotisserie chicken, yeast rolls, and a green salad for dinner. Call Amanda on the way home and discuss how cooking takes such a long time.

10. Buy new exercise shoes from zappos.com after several hours of careful internet shoe research.

If I am to be a lady on the go then I need to be prepared.

Hugh asked me last night if I wanted to renew my blog domain name.

“I guess so, ” I said, rolling over, continuing to play with my iPad.

I gave up writing a few years ago when a few people stalked my blog and caused harm to my family. Some people encouraged me to keep writing…but, really, what was the point? My writing brought pain. My vulnerability led to loss.

Now my “writing life” seems so far away. I went out to dinner last night with some friends and I brought a copy of an article I’d written to show Cathy.

“You…write?” said Kim, as she delicately ate her Vegetable Tempura.

“Nooooo way,” laughed Kathleen.

“Now, Jess, this is actually good,” Cathy exclaimed as she scanned my words.

Funny.

They know me as Only Jess. Funny Jess, Married Jess, Mommy Jess, and Friend Jess. That’s it.

Those things aren’t enough for me. Maybe they should be. I grew up thinking that marriage and children and church would fill my days and purpose.

But I miss having this whole other life. This life where I thought deep thoughts and did things with tangible results.

Writing saved me in a way nothing else ever did. I felt God’s pleasure when I wrote His words and I felt His presence each morning as I drank cold coffee and pounded out posts.

Now I spend days loving my family, playing on my iPad, and going out to dinner with my friends.

The last two years shattered me in many ways, and I am still grieving the loss of my writing.

This loss – among many, many others – drove me to question God’s sovereignty and His goodness. If He is good, then why?

The question of the ages: If He is good, why am I hurting?

I don’t read my Bible very much these days, but last night I was thinking about one of my favorite verses. It’s in Hosea:

Come.

Let us return.

He will wound us.

But He will heal us.

And He will come to us like the rain.

So this morning I sat in my dusty office, filled with old writing books and a cold cup of coffee, and I thought – just for a moment – about this truth.

He wounded me.

But He is healing me.

If I once felt His purpose in my writing, then maybe this morning I can write a few words on my freshly renewed blog. I can drink my cold coffee and breathe in His pleasure once again.

And He will come to me.

This morning I woke up and I prayed.

I am spiritually weak, almost dead, but my current life circumstances drew me to Him.

Yesterday Hugh went to pick up our kids from his mother in Indiana – she kept them for a week, something that hasn’t happened since David died over two years ago. She and David used to keep the kids for us several times a year – and I took it for granted, really.

While Hugh was gone, he asked me to work on our budget. Big mistake. Not that he asked me (he’s been asking for weeks) but that I was by myself when I sat down and crunched the “post-Jess-has-a-job” numbers.

I faithfully entered numbers in little categories, then started crying. I don’t see how we can afford three private school tuitions without my job. And, to be really honest, I don’t want the kids to continue attending the school where I used to teach. It is painful to see my old students and old co-workers.

But public school? We’ve never considered it. Homeschool? I’m terrified to try with my illness – afraid that homeschooling would turn into “watch tv all day while Mommy sleeps because it’s a bad pain day” instead of real learning.

So I got up early and prayed for a really long time. I was honest with God about my feelings. I read Psalm 18 and listened to Jesus Culture on Pandora. I wrote some verses in my Prayer Notebook.

And I don’t have any answers, but my load feels a little lighter right now. I’m a little stronger as I face this day.