Mourning Into Dancing

Kimberly posted this comment when she entered my prayer basket giveaway:

“Okay, so I’m going through my morning, and I think, “I need to go visit Jess.” Then I get here and you are giving something away. Instant dilemma. Do I comment and have Jess possibly think I only came by for stuff? Or do I walk away? Sigh.

Well, just so ya’ know, I came by NOT knowing you were doing this. But, this is such a WONDERFUL prayer basket that I cannot help but still leave a comment. My prayer journaling has been slack to say the least lately, so anything that would encourage me to get back to it would be so awesome. But win or not, I’ll come by here just for you!

Thank you for offering this blessing. I know God will make sure it goes to just the right lady! And may you be blessed for doing this!”

This made me smile! I love every comment Kimberly has ever left me - she has such a way of speaking life with her words. Which is probably why I love every visit I make to her blog… It’s so wonderful.  Ahhhhh.

Yesterday when I went to random.org to pull out my giveaway winner …guess who it was !!??!

Kimberly the Lovely!

I was so excited that I started to shriek.

But too tired to post my fun news until today. Sigh.

Kimberly, I can’t wait to send this to you!

“She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night” (Proverbs 31: 16-18).

Going back to work is really, really, really hard.

I spent some time on Amazon yesterday looking for some “Christian moms who return to work, balance everything well, and spend tons of time in prayer” books.

Guess how many there are?

One.

Which I ordered (of course).

I didn’t realize I was “going back to work.”  Somehow I thought I could slip 25 hours in the classroom and 12 hours of planning into my schedule without it changing too much about my life.

But I have about 80 hours of work to do over the next two weeks before school starts. So, l guess I’m working now.

I am not handling it well so far. I still haven’t talked to Amanda this week, I’ve yelled at Hugh multiple times, and my hands are shaking constantly as I think,” What have I done? Have I missed God? Can I really handle this?”

Yet, in spite of the difficulty, I know in the deepest part of me that I am being called to this right now. I did hear clearly from my Lord to return to teaching, and now I have to walk it out regardless of how I feel.

I don’t really want to, though. I like the security and comfort and predictability of my old world. This new direction He is leading me is SO unfamiliar - and I am deeply afraid of failure.

I expect my blog writing will suffer as I churn out brain-dead posts (”Today I was tired. Jesus is Lord. Good-bye.”), and I’ve thought seriously about taking a break. But even if my writing is a little sad and sleepy, I will continue to look for (and find) Jesus in every aspect of my life, living wholeheartedly surrendered to Him, even when it looks messy. And I’ll post it here.

Father, if you’ve called me, you’ll fill me - each day in every single way. Thank you for the opportunity to become more dependant on you and your daily strength. I love you. Amen.

“This morning I called my firstborn and could tell she was having a rough Monday morning. Like many of us working girls, she was trying to get her home in order after a busy weekend and still make it to her desk on time. There’s nothing like trying to be Domestic Goddess and Employee of the Week at the same time, is there, sister?”

-Beth Moore, working girl

It is Friday afternoon. I have finished my first week back at work and I have not died. I am exhausted and don’t really remember my name - but at this point, “still living” feels like a major accomplishment..

Working again full time is already more difficult than I thought it would be.

Here is what I did not do this week:

1. Make dinner (Hugh pointed out this is nothing new, but I had some grand hopes).

2. Shave my legs.

3. Sleep for a full night.

4. Talk to my best friend 2-5 times daily on the phone. Amanda and I have talked like, twice, the whole week.

5. Answer any emails. Sorry.

6. Spend time cleaning my house. I’m just sort of shoving things in bags.

Here is what I DID do this week:

1. I still made time to pray and read the Bible each morning. (This was a HUGE fear of mine - that I couldn’t make that work. But it can be done! I just have to keep on keepin’ on.)

2. I spent some meaningful time with my children most days. (Not Monday. I cried and watched “Oprah” Monday. But whatever.)

3. I carried on conversations with adults during the day (besides Amanda). I said big words and talked intelligently to other teachers and… it was really nice.

4. Yesterday I heard clearly from God about my job. Hallelujah! Reassurance and clarity and wisdom poured out all over me from Heaven as I sat numbly in my prayer chair. All I had to do was ask!

I feel so many different emotions about working again. It’s so complex for me. I know I can’t even begin to figure out how I am doing - REALLY doing - until I sleep. Or, at the very least, until I shave my legs.

And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.

- Hebrews 10:24-25

There is no way - NO way - for me to describe how exhausting my week is so far. I am trying to find a way to write about the panic, the balancing, the meetings… And the words just swirl around and around.

Last night was our weekly Bible Study. We are very consistent, rarely canceling. But last night I desperately wanted to call it off. I did not my friends to come over, I did not want to pray, I did not want to hear Jaime’s testimony. I wanted to watch three hours of TLC while trying to turn off my brain.

Sheer habit kept me from calling off the meeting, and at around 7:30, everyone walked in.

“Amanda, you pray to start us off, ‘kay? I’m too wiped out.”

She prayed, and when she was done, something had shifted in my heart. I sat up, ready to dive into these women’s lives and to seek God with them.

For the next three hours, we prayed together, we cried together, we listened to an incredible story of God’s faithfulness together. When the door shut behind the last person after 10:00, I felt more renewed and refreshed than I would have ever thought possible.

I need the body of Christ more than I realize. When Paul says, “Don’t forsake the assembling together…”, he is not just giving us a rule to live by - he is showing us a path of life.

There is life for me when I go deep with these women. They pray for me, they confront me, and they spur me on to become more like my Savior. I get the awesome privilege of doing the same for them.

Next time I am tired and want to cancel our meeting, I’m going to remember last night. When I meet with these women, I meet with God - and that is worth it every time.

Thank you to Melanie at Don’t Try This At Home for hosting the:

I am giving away a WONDERFUL PERSONALIZED PRAYER BASKET. Equipping people to have consistent time with God is something I am EXTREMELY passionate about. Although there are many ways that the Holy Spirit leads and guides us in our time with God, I have found my prayer basket to be a really effective tool for me. Every morning when I pray, I grab my basket and head to a quiet spot in the house to meet with the Lord. Everything I need is right there!

The basket will include:

1. A personalized prayer journal (with different sections…just for you - this is the most important thing in the basket. I can work with you to come up with a prayer journal/ideas to help you have a prayer tool to help you enter in to joyful time with the Lord…you will love your journal!)

2. A pack of cards for scripture writing (something to take with you, to put in your pocket, the scripture verse you want to meditate on through the day)

3. An assortment of nice pens and highlighters in a pencil case that fits neatly in the basket

4. A copy of Beth Moore’s “Praying God’s Word”

5. Kleenex (of course)

Just leave me a comment telling me why you’d love the prayer basket anytime before midnight on August 1st. I’ll post the winner on August 3rd.

If you want to read about one of my previous giveaways (includes pictures!) then click HERE.

Have a wonderful day!

Love,

Jess

The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.

-Psalm 145:14

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I could hear Hugh’s soft snores as I lay in bed thinking about Monday morning. I feel like I have so much to do, so much to get ready for - how can I possibly get it done? Maybe, my mind taunted, maybe you’re really not ready to go back to teaching after all.

This week I have meetings at school every day and so my children and I will have a “practice week” of actually getting ready and out the door by 8:00. I can’t even describe how scared I feel about this. Lunches, children dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, me ready for the day with my hair actually dried and not in a wet ponytail, coffee for me, breakfast, make-up.

I have friends who have done this for years with ease - but I have not. I get up around eight, pray for a long time while my children watch PBS Kids in their pajamas, and then maybe do a Target run or something during the afternoon. And, um, sometimes that’s pretty much it.

But no more. I am going back to work and I feel ready and excited about every part of it… except actually getting out the door with my children.

“Maybe I need a giant list and a super schedule,” I thought as I made my coffee this morning. “Yeah… then I can get up at like, 5:00 am, to get it all done.” My mind swirled around and around until I sat down in my prayer chair and started my time with the Lord.

I started my prayer time by reading Psalm 145 out loud. Breathing deeply, I tried to focus solely on the Lord and not on my panicky emotions.

As I read, I came to Psalm 145:14, which says that “the Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.” And in that instant, God spoke to me about the load I’ve been carrying. I am so worried with all I have to do - I’m so afraid of failure. What if I fall apart… What if I can’t handle everything that the Lord is calling me to right now… How I can balance it all…

I have a load every day - but He lifts those bent beneath their loads. Nothing in my life is too much for Him to deal with.

No, I can’t handle everything. There is no way I will ever be able to make everything fit - time for every relationship, a perfect house, amazing teaching, extended time in His Presence… But I don’t have to. As I am bent beneath the load of my life, Jesus is the One who will lift me up. I can surrender everything I am responsible for right into His hands and sigh a big sigh of relief.

I’m not going to make a list for tomorrow morning after all. I don’t have to run around like a mad woman. I can get up at a reasonable time, start my day with prayer, and trust that the Lord will show me specifically how to peacefully get my family out the door.

He lifts me up in everything. Even in this - He cares for me and will help me. In His graciousness, He speaks to me through His Word and reassures me again of His total faithfulness.

I love Him so much.

Father, I love your Word. I love hearing your voice speak to me in the morning. Thank you for your faithfulness to me.  You are so wonderful!  In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Last week Hugh and I sent an email to our friends at our church letting them know we would no longer be attending there. No, we weren’t offended. No, we weren’t unhappy with anyone or anything. But, somehow, to our surprise, we feel God calling us to a different church.

I felt this quiet resolve in our decision. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, we may even be missing God - but, through the mist of our swirling emotions, we felt like we had heard His whisper, so we stepped.

The thing that I thought would be the hardest about this has indeed been the hardest. Leaving behind the security of close relationships and friendships and going to worship in a place where I don’t know anyone - it’s extremely difficult. I feel like a huge fish out of water. Like tonight.

I went out to eat with women from my new church, women I had never met, and I sat there most of the evening with a fake smile and saying quippy, lame comments wondering if maybe I have completely missed God.

I mean, I don’t know them. I don’t know anything that they are talking about - and I just sat there chewing my sesame bagel thinking about what it felt like to be with a bunch of women at my old church.

Those women know me. They think I’m great. Funny. A good writer. And they know my testimony and how much I love Jesus. The only thing these women tonight knew about me was that I liked bagels.

So, for the first time, I felt this little pang of fear. Maybe this will be too hard. Maybe Hugh and I have made the wrong decision. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

I want to say that in the middle of my meal and insecurities, God spoke clearly again. That He said, “No, Jess. You are walking in My will, daughter. Good job tonight. Keep going.” But He didn’t. So I just sat through the meal, feeling awkward.

I guess somewhere in my gut I know that meeting new people is this hard. Every time you reach out and open your life and heart - it’s very painful and scary. But you go to dinner, you eat a bagel, and then, at some point, you become friends.

I want to remember that each step of this decision isn’t going to be easy - but I want to grow in my trust for my Jesus and remember that He who called me is faithful (1 Corinthians 1:9).

No matter what.

God, I trust you. And, please, Lord, help me to be myself around new people even though I feel nervous. Help me to remember that my confidence comes from you - and that it is always a privilege to meet and know your children. In the name of Jesus. Amen.