Unsteady Walks
My pain level has been very low this last week – until yesterday. Still, I decided to take a walk with Lucy and Hannajean last night. It was basically a horrific disaster – Lucy got lost for a few minutes in the woods, I fell three times, and my girls are covered in bug bites.
I miss the classroom today. Of course. Instead of teaching, I sit alone in my office/closet, writing about my parenting failures.
This alone-ness, this depression…it is so heavy, so overwhelming. On days like today, God feels so far away. I want Him to rescue me. I want Him to pick me up, kiss away the bruises from my walk, and tell me that He loves me in spite of my sin.
How do you feel God when you feel so alone? When the purpose you felt in life is gone? How can I find my purpose in Him?
I don’t know.
Today I will read five minutes in the Bible and pray for two minutes. I may feel better, I may not. I may feel His love, I may not. But I am determined to keep going. To hope for something better. To dream about better walks with my girls, ease with my husband, and a classroom full of precious students.
I’m glad you’re writing–because I’ve been concerned about you. On the other hand, I understand your husband’s concern. Perhaps God will open another venue for teaching, but would it be the same?
Here’s an unrelated thought: perhaps you should not try to get the help you need. I know that seems strange, but perhaps you should just rest. Sometime the struggle to be spiritual and to turn to God interfers with receiving Him.
You’re an English major. Let me ask, do you read anything other than the Bible? Perhaps Christian novels? They used to be so lame, but today we have a different breed of Christian writers. Mary DeMuth’s novels are about people who have suffered and how they deal–or try to deal–with it. Really–I have a master’s in English lit and I belive her books rise to the level literature. But my first choice for you right now would be Tricia Goyer’s WWII novels. Not quite lit, but totally absorbing. She said someplace that she feels God’s pleasure when she writes, and I believe it. Pure joy. Then there’s Lisa Samson. I’ve only read one by her and it was about weird people–and God spoke to me in a way He wouldn’t had the people been “normal.” These books all spoke to me–and they magnified God, put me in a position where praise flowed naturally.
I don’t want to suggest I ahve all the ansers–this is just a thought. On the other hand, you’re smart and you naturally want to address and overcome “your” problem.” But the very effort is overwhelming. Perhaps you need something to get beyond yourself–and you’re obviously a reader. I’d also suggest you avoid some of the classics–Thomas Hardy, etc. His books brought depression to the surface in me–I still fight it at times.
Blessings. I am so thrilled God is moving for you.
Just had you on my mind today and wanted to catch up. I really love this post. With Josh’s heart disease and all the uncertainty lately, there have been so many times when I try to pray and I go to God, but words just fall flat. It’s like I have no clue how to explain it all to Him and then I am kind of too tired to try. So I end up just sitting in His presence a little, waiting on Him to just bring some kind of comfort in the midst of this. Half the time I fall asleep which makes me feel halfway guilty, but then again I’m thinking the rest is a gift from Him maybe?
I don’t mean to ramble. I just want you to know that you’re not alone in the struggle. I’m just a little ways down the road in another NC town, struggling with a different thing but in many of the same ways. Thanks for writing. I know it’s risky. I have “enjoyed” some “feedback” from members the church my husband pastors! But keep writing. Because I will keep reading, friend.
Wow Jess, I hadn’t read your blog in a very long time, but I’m glad I came across it today. This post in particular lets me know I’m not alone in my depression. Blogging does seem to help me, and hopefully you too. Praying for you!