Noticed
“Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.”
-Psalm 51, The Message
When I was in eighth grade, I won my class spelling bee. One by one, my friends sat down as I continued to stand near the chalkboard and spell effortlessly:
“Advertisement…necessary…cantankerous…”
Finally, for the big win:
“Raspberry.”
I was thrilled. At last! Success at something – maybe now Kevin Smith would notice me again. (He had professed his love to me in third grade on an amusement park ride. I told him that, of course, I loved him, too. Since that day he had never looked at me again.) I wanted so badly to be noticed by my peers. On that glorious Spelling Bee day they all saw – really saw – me.
The next week, students gathered for the school-wide Bee. Kevin came and sat in the back. His jeans were cuffed casually and his Gap V-neck sweater was tied over his shoulders as he sat indifferently and watched the proceedings.
I was nervous but hopeful. I could do this! I was a great speller…maybe I would win the whole thing – in front of everyone!
My first word came. “Spell ‘razor.’”
Phew. An easy word. I rattled it off quickly.
“R-a-z-e-r.”
“No, I’m sorry.” The teacher’s voice was kind. “That is incorrect.”
In my tension I spelled too quickly and missed a word I had known how to spell since second grade. Face red, I left the library. Kevin didn’t even look up.
Earlier this week I felt like I won the spelling bee. I wrote a post with passion and insight. I captured my thoughts with clarity and purpose. I spoke with conviction. I invited Jesus into my words. It was good and I knew it.
My blog stats exploded – I got noticed.
R-a-s-p-b-e-r-r-y.
I have been giddy the last few days. Recognition! More readers! More links! I want to go up to people in Harris Teeter and say, “Hey, I’m Jess – you probably need to read my blog. I wrote this great post on abortion. It will really bless you.”
And yet. Now I don’t want to write anything else. What if I fail? What if that was it? What if the next thing I post is awful?
R-a-z-e-r.
When I was growing up, I found my entire value in how others felt about me. I wanted so badly to be liked by my friends and to be loved by my often-absent parents. It has taken me years of learning about Jesus to begin to find my worth in Him.
But slowly, I am learning that His opinion is the only one that matters. Even if Hugh is angry with me, no one is reading my blog, and two of my friends aren’t talking to me – that doesn’t change how He feels about me.
He delights in me (Zephaniah 3).
D-e-l-i-g-h-t.
He answers me when I call (Psalm 4).
A-n-s-w-e-r-s.
He surrounds me with His shield of love (Psalm 5).
S-u-r-r-o-u-n-d-s.
Good days and bad days. Thousands or readers or just a few. Happy friends or strained relationships. He always notices me – I am His girl.
Lord, teach me to abide in You. I want to know how to live focused solely on You – and have everything else flow out of Your love for me. Loving You is the best thing about life, Jesus. I ask You to show me how to love You more – and how to find my worth only in You. Amen.
You reminded me of my spelling bee adventure(s)… I have several but the one that is most interesting (or not) is when I attempted to spell “piano” in front of the school for the 3-4-5 grade contest. I was in 3rd grade and for some reason I decided to spell “opera” instead of piano. My 3rd grade mind jumped to the picture in my head when the teacher had given the word piano. The one good thing, though, I had made it far enough to be the alternate at the city level which meant I didn’t have to do any of the work but I still got to go into the big city to have my first experience going inside of a Wendy’s. 3rd graders have a different level of expectation and definition of what is cool.
Oh, Jess. This makes me all teary eyed. I so fall into the trap of the approval of others. How perfect your illustration is! I move from “raspberry” moments to “razer” moments with lightning speed. I am loved, I am not loved, I am worthy of love, I am unworthy of love, people like me, no one sees me.
I HAD to take my sitemeter off. Had to. But I still battle with number of comments…and now that darn Blogger has the whole who follows who thingy. I am having to learn to find my worth fully from Him as well. And not just with my blog…but through out all of my life…just as you said, whether my husband or children or my friends are happy with me or not, how He feels about me doesn’t change.
As always, Jess, you are a blessing. I think those people in the grocery store probably do need to read your blog.
beautiful…remember God always notices you
Jess, I love the honesty in your words and hearing of your journey to learn soley contented in His love for you. How precious to live in the reality of His delight!
So Jess, I will ask you again today “How do you feel you are as a Teacher?” Remember this is what matters. It is between you and God and no one else. Not even the best of parents can give you the feeling or the things He can. Have a GREAT day!
Beautiful, Jess! I haven’t been reading you long but thank you for pointing me in the right direction (UP!). VERY well written.
From one approval junkie to another…sigh. Still working on that one…
On another note, I tend to hate paraphrases of the Bible. The Message especially usually annoys me. However, the verse from Psalm 51 you posted from it is actually quite beautiful. Wow.
Jess, I so relate to this! With blogging its easy to get into the “numbers” game, and even compete. (“She got 12 comments, I only had 10?!?!”) Remember who you are blogging for – yourself & God. Everything after that is just stuff.
You are a great writer, you already know that PUBLISHED gal. So just keep writing. We’ll keep reading!
Wow…this was awesome. So real. Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to read this. I came from Lysa’s blog.
Blessings,
Lelia
Extremely well-written as usual. I love what you are saying, but I can’t help but notice the writing too. Love how you weave in the theme of spelling the words with what God is teaching you. Just beautiful, Jess. Very profound. I’d like to share this one with my class… with your permission. We are going to be studying essays in a few months, and this is a great example in so many ways and on so many levels. Thank you!