I started my blog with one main purpose: I wanted to write about my daily walk with Jesus - the ups and downs, the moments where I hear His voice, the times where I feel His Word change my day, and the times where I feel like I’m wandering in the dark, feeling around for His hand.
Lately I’ve been less sure how to talk about my walk with God. First, I can’t type because of my carpal tunnel (now severe in both hands) and writing out posts takes a long time. By the time I finish writing out the end of my sentence, I have forgotten the point I was trying to make about God. Sigh. Second, I have been wrestling through a church decision that feels messy and scary to me. I don’t know how to talk about that - so many people from my church read this blog. So I offer half-hearted posts instead of bringing the messy realities of my life in Christ.
I want to live a life of transparency, though. This is so important to me. I want to live a life wide open to God and my community - a life being lived boldly without fear of what other people think of me. If I am struggling to pray, then I want to write about that - that is why I started this blog. To really share my life with Jesus - and up until now I have had an overflow of passion to share. Now, lately, I am dry.
I am dry because I haven’t been making God a priority as much as I used to. I am dry because I am afraid I’ll never feel passionately in love with Jesus again. I am dry because I feel that my attempts at ministry are awkward and I wonder if He is pleased with my small offerings. I am dry because I need prayer for things from my friends and I am silent because I am afraid of what they will think of me.
Yesterday morning at church, I prayed for the Holy Spirit to come and fill me up. I raised my hands and I started to cry and I asked for God to please, please come and give me the passion I used to have for Him in the past. I confessed my anger at Him for my carpal tunnel - something I know He could heal with a word but has not. I asked for His forgiveness.
This morning I got up and spent time in His Word, listening to “Sweet Jesus” on my iPod over and over, giving Him an hour even though I was tempted to do other things. After I prayed, I made a choice to be transparent on my blog again - regardless of how messy I appear.
I want to be honest about my life. I want my children to read my writing one day and be encouraged that a relationship with Jesus looks different at different times - there are mountains and valleys and everything in between. But when you feel like you are in a valley with God, you raise your hands, you confess your sin, you get up and pray, you read the Word, and the next morning you do it again.
Father, I love you today. I love that you are with me even when I don’t feel you. Thank you for calling me to live a life wide open - I don’t want to hide myself away, afraid of what people think. Father, let me long for your delight. You are wonderful. In the name of Jesus. Amen.
oh jess….
thank you thank you for open honesty.
i’m at the spot that you are and even though it’s good to know we’re not in it alone….it’s good to know so we can lift each other up and hold each other accountable. you have no idea how much you minister to my heart over the miles day after day….you are such a blessing that i’m so thankful i found
Isaiah 58:11 is for you today my beautiful friend!
love ya…laura
“The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.”
Isaiah 58:11
“The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.”
I loved this. I feel the need to confess that when you (and I cuz you know I am struggling too) were sharing on Thursday this very thing, the Lord reminded me of a verse I got very excited about in Sunday school at Living Faith.
“This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these dry bones: I will make breath enter you and you will come to life.” Ezekiel 37:5
“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O breath and breathe into these slain that they may live.” 37:9
Jess, He will breathe into our dry souls, that we may live.
Love you
Mander
Next time I try to post here, I will put in my name, email and website after I finish posting..lol..because evidently I hit enter which submitted a partial post or just lost one altogether. So anyway…
Wow, thank you so much for posting this. I am going through a similar time in my life and have been thinking about the fact that I tend only to blog when I’m feeling totally inspired. I realize that it’s not really honest to do that as we all go through those dry times.
I also realize that I am sometimes most inspired by posts that are obviously difficult for the writer. It lets me know that I’m not alone, that there are others out there who feel like I do. So then I wonder why I am so hesitant to put it all out there, knowing that it’s some of the “good stuff” too..just in another way than the “totally inspired” on fire posts.
So again, thank you. I really appreciate the fact that you shared this.
hi jess. your transparency has ministered to me time and time again. thank you for your post. i just learned yesterday through a book i am reading that the more we have tasted and been satisfied by God’s love and His word in the past, the more we will yearn for it when our spirit’s seem empty.
Psalm 63:1,3,5
My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.
You have ministered to so many with your transparency. (Especially me!) Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
I like reading your blog because of how open you are. I don’t think we need to fit ourselves into molds and think we need to be a certain way, i.e. funny, inspirational, theology teacher-ish, etc.
We are who we are, and you sharing openly like you do help all of us remember that.