Mourning Into Dancing

“The Lord is for me; I will not fear” (Psalm 118:6).

Yesterday I dropped Lucy getting her out of her car seat. My hand went limp, and I couldn’t hold her. “I’m o-kay, Mommy,” she said. But I felt all this anger rise up in me as I tried to pick her up.

This is my new friend - anger. Anger at my hand for not working, anger at Amanda for not knowing what to say to make me feel better, anger at Hugh for not helping me enough, anger at my kids. I am surprised at quickly I have become used to being angry.

I am angry at myself, too. For behaving badly when I have a relatively minor health problem. How can it be shaking me this badly? But it is.

I am angry that I cannot write in the same way. I miss writing so much. I hold my pen awkwardly after I pray, hoping that the words will flow across the white paper as quickly as they do my computer screen. They don’t. And I am angry again.

At the root of my anger is a lack of faith in God. I don’t believe He is on my side, or I would trust Him for what is happening in my life. My huge angry response shows a huge lack of trust.

I read Psalm 118 this morning. Verse six says that, “the Lord is for me; I will not fear.” As I read the words, my heart began to pound. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my prayer chair, whispering the verse over and over.

“The Lord is for me…the Lord is for me…the Lord is for me…”

I have forgotten that He is for me. FOR me. He is for me.

For me. For me. For me.

He is not against me. He loves me. He wants good for my life, even when I don’t understand my circumstances. He is a good Father.

I have a choice today. I can choose to let anger control me - or I can choose to trust God with this day. If it is another day with pain, so be it.

My God is for me; I don’t need to be afraid.

God, I want to trust you. Your Word says that you are for me - so today I am going to believe that truth. You, Lord, are for me. You are in control of my life. You love me and want good for me. I don’t need to be afraid - even when I don’t understand. Thank you for this truth, God. You are so wonderful. In the name of Your Son, Amen.