Psalm 139
I thought I was done with anxiety.
I mean, really. Hasn’t God done enough in my life – taken me out of multiple pits, carried me through numerous storms – that now I should get it. I should say, without fear, “I can trust Him. God is in control and I have nothing to fear.”
I just sent an email to my Bible Study. Bless. Their. Hearts. I think they may be tired of praying for me. “Dear Friends…Uh, I am pretty anxious right now…Not sleeping…Afraid of not being able to handle stuff…Please pray…Love You…Jess.”
I know they will pray but a part of me felt really embarrassed that I even needed to send it out.
I WANT TO BE DONE WITH ANXIETY. PERMENANTLY.
And yet, when I give in to the thoughts that always swirl around my mind, I am choosing my fears over the Lord. I am choosing to dwell on the “what ifs” instead of the “He wills” and “He cans”.
This morning, after another sleepness night – during which I decided that I will not be able to lead a Bible study, teach, parent, or be married anymore – after those lovely conclusions, I read Psalm 139.
And I remembered why I can trust Him. His words washed over my tired bones and weary heart and I mumbled the words out loud…
“Lord, you know everything about me…you know everything I am going to do…you know everything I am going to say before I say it, Lord.”
I breathed. Right. He knew I was going to be anxious again. He knew I would fall yesterday. I kept reading.
“You go before me and follow me…You place your hand of blessing on my head…I can never get away from your Spirit…I can never get away from your Presence.”
I breathed again. Oh. I can never get away from His Presence? MY GOSH. I could just stop and soak in that truth for the next twelve years.
I finished reading the Psalm and was reassured of the Lord’s total love and passion for me, in spite of my anxious thoughts. In spite of yelling at Hugh. In spite of all the ways I feel that I do not and will not measure up.
I may screw up today. I may continue to live imperfectly. But regardless of how many times I ask my friends for prayer, no matter how many times I ask Hugh to forgive my anger…I am loved by my Lord and “I can never get away from His Presence.” Ever.
EVER!
It is this truth that makes me get up today. That makes me ask Hugh for forgiveness. That gives me strength to pray over my fears. That helps me mother my children. To live my life.
I have His Presence. And it’s enough.
Thank you…
I needed to hear this today. I feel the same way so many times, that by now I should have learned that I can trust God and not be anxious. But I still struggle, especially today. Thank you for being so honest… Makes me feel like I am NOT the only one.
I will be praying for you too.
I am right there with you …so many times! Thank you God for being there with us too!
once again friend, you echo my heart…i’m so thankful our Father never gives up on us and never quits loving us, even when we feel we should be “done for.” love ya….*HUG*
I struggle with anxiety too. It has helped me to study Peace indepth. I was not very interested in Peace until I realized it is the opposite of anxious.
He has us securely in His hands, whether we feel like He does or not. Satan doesn’t want you out there, blessing those kids!
I’ve always heard (and seen in my life) that Satan likes to attack in the beginning and end of things…this season is both for you…
in my craziness of the week, I keep thinking back to the sermon from Sunday…and you are one who really encourages me to Hide the Word of the Lord in my heart! …so NO feeling embarrassed to email…
and besides…if you feel embarrassed about that, then how can I email and ask for prayers about silly screaming neighbors
love you
Oh Jess… I’m completely understanding you with your feelings and frustration of anxiety – it can wreak havoc on our days and sleepness nights. I’ve been up since 4:30a & am totally frustrated, knowing that I have A LOT to do today… THANK YOU so much for sharing; allowing me to know that I’m not alone in this. Isn’t God wonderful in sharing hearts – even over a blog! Keeping you and others with this problem in prayer.
Sharing His Love & Sending hugs too, HL
If you figure out how to get rid of anxiety FOREVER, please pass along the details. I’ll jump all over that bandwagon.