Mourning Into Dancing

Jess - prayer warrior. Jess - intercessor for her family. Jess- passionate for the Word. Jess - two to three hours with the Lord.

Or.

Jess - prayed this morning for nineteen minutes. Then I had to force myself to stay in my prayer chair. I have an extremely long “to-do” list today and my mind kept wandering all over the place.

“Hm - should I change the cat box before my brother comes tonight to house sit?”

“Should I take make-up to the beach. Will I even wear it?”

And many, many other spiritual thoughts.

Ah, well.

But I pressed on, knowing I needed to hear from the Lord.

“Father, I ask for Your focus right now. Please speak to me through your Word.”

I flipped open my Bible (well, actually, I opened my PC Study Bible Version 5 on my laptop - but that sounds really unspiritual) to Psalm 34.

Verse one says “I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His praises.”

Mmmmm. At all times…Constantly. God’s Word is like this really good meal to me. I can chew and savor and consume His words and they will satisfy me like nothing else.

I repeated the verse several times, tucking it away in my heart. My list is still long and I will have many opportunities today to be grumpy and controlling as we prepare to leave this afternoon for our family vacation. But, now, as I go about my day, I will remember that:

“I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His praises.”

This is how my time with Him changes my life - and changes my day. He fills me up, up, up and strengthens me with His Presence.

Yeah!!!!!!

Father, thank you for speaking to me through your Word. I love you so much. I ask that you would please continue to pour out your Presence on me. I want more of you, Jesus. Amen.

“Is anyone thirsty?
Come and drink - even if you have no money!
Come, take your choice of wine or milk - it’s all free!
Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?
Why pay for food that does you no good?
Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.
You will enjoy the finest food.
Come to me with your ears wide open.
Listen, and you will find life.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David.”
- Isaiah 55:1-3, NLT

I had the privilege of talking with one of my oldest friends yesterday. We had not spent time talking in a while, and it felt so good to catch up.

Eventually the conversation turned to prayer.

“I am not successful in praying right now. It seems like you are, Jess. You hear from God all the time - I don’t. I feel like a failure with prayer. I don’t even want to spend time with the Lord anymore.”

I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. A success? Yeah, right. No, no, no.

I sat there for a second as I tried to figure out what to say. How could God use me in this moment to encourage my friend to pursue God passionately on a daily basis?

Success has nothing to with it, I said. I wake up many days and I do not feel excited about spending time with God. I wonder if the Bible will speak to me today. I worry that my time will be characterized by lack of focus.

But I have learned one thing in spending consistent time with God the last few years.

The only thing I have to do is show up.

That is it. When I start thinking about how I feel and if I want to pray, then I become swallowed up by self-focus instead of remembering that God is the one in charge of my relationship with Him.

He is the One who will speak to me. He is the One breathing life into me through His Word. He is the One who sends conviction through His Holy Spirit. It is all about Him.

“It’s not about success at all,” I told my precious friend. “It’s about being thirsty for His Presence and getting filled. That’s it.”

This morning I read Isaiah. He calls out to God’s children: “Is anyone thirsty? Anyone? Then come…” Jesus echoes these words in the temple as He shouts to another generation of broken people: “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me!” (John 7:37).

Jesus cried out for the children of God to come to Him. The only thing they needed to bring him was their thirst.

They did not have to come successful.

They did not have to come with a great prayer list.

They did not have to come without sin or strongholds.

They did not have to come every day for a week or a month or a year to be allowed into His Presence.

They just had to be thirsty.

And the promise of Jesus to the one who comes thirsty is that “Rivers of living water will flow from his heart” (John 7:38 ) - His Spirit will come to fill and to satisfy.

God, make me thirsty. Bless the people in my life who want more of you, and make them thirsty for you - for your Presence and your Word. You are the Living Water, Jesus. Fill me up this day. I want to drink deeply of the water of life that you offer to me with your scarred hands outstretched to my dry, chapped lips. I need you today. In your name, Jesus, Amen.

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life” (Phil. 4: 6-7, The Message).

Yesterday Amanda came over to talk and pray. We haven’t prayed together in a few weeks and we both felt hungry for that set-aside time where we seek God’s face together.

We had just finished when her husband called.

“What?….Ok…Ok…” Her face turned pale as I tried to hustle her crying three-year-old from the room so she could hear Chris clearly.

Someone broke into their house while we were praying. Someone took most of her jewelry, her son’s keepsakes, her grandfather’s watch, their expensive electronics… anything small and potentially valuable.

She left quickly. A few hours later, our Bible study met, and I told them what happened. Amanda came halfway through the meeting to get her children, and she took time to catch us up on the details.

One by one, we prayed for her. For peace…for her husband…for the moment when she told her son his things were stolen…

Amanda sat on the floor, leaning against my bookcases as we prayed. I wanted to cry. I felt so angry that someone took their things… and I wanted to cry with gratitude at the way I see our Bible study growing in love together.

As we prayed, I thought about how difficult circumstances make people closer. Relationships deepen when you walk with each other through hard things.

Our group came together in a deeper way last night as we lifted our friend up. We will continue to pray for her. So maybe that is one good thing that can come out of the mess yesterday.

Another is that I am continuing to see my friend handle her life with intergrity as she trusts the Lord in the middle of hard circumstances.

As Amanda sat on the floor, she said calmly, “It’s not the stuff I care about, it’s telling my son - I hate that this will hurt him.”

Amanda challenges me to look first at the things that really matter in life - which are not things. She is a constant example to me of a woman who is able to look beyond the situation at hand and put her faith in God - no matter what is happening.

It’s an honor to walk through another hard situation with her.

Father, I pray that you would bless every aspect of this incident for Amanda and Chris. I pray that you would restore their lost things. Please fill them with your peace and your Presence over the next few weeks. I pray that you would keep them from fear - but fill them with confidence in you. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Today is a great day.

I did not sleep well again last night.

I have too much to do today.

Only twenty percent of my house is clean.

I have a wet load of laundry in my washing machine that smells weird because it has been in there a while.

I do not have any groceries in my fridge and only twenty-nine dollars left in my food category of my new budget. Oops.

But.

Today is a great day.

The last week and a half I have been lying down and letting defeat wash over me. Believing that I am, after all, no good. I can’t, after all, do life well.

I am seriously through with that.

I woke up this morning tired but I decided to spend some time praising Him.

I put on Rita Springer and read Psalms and started declaring out loud my love for Jesus.

“Jesus! I love you! You are worthy of praise! No matter what is happening, Lord - you are good all the time!”

Over and over and over and over.

I forgot - praise is a weapon.

“Lord, I adore you! How can I begin to understand your holiness? Oh, Father, you are wonderful!”

Over and over and over and over.

Ha ha ha ha!!!

Today is a great day.

My house is a wreck, my life is still too full, and I still have no idea how to figure out some of the big issues I am dealing with this week.

But I am no longer lying down letting life beat me up. I am standing up, hands raised, eyes on Jesus, heart focused, and ready to fight.

And my fighting words for today are:

“He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me…
You light a lamp for me.
The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.
In your strength I can crush an army;
with my God I can scale any wall…
God’s way is perfect.
All the Lord’s promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God except the Lord?
Who but our God is a solid rock?
God arms me with strength,
and he makes my way perfect.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow…(Psalm 18).”

Thank you, Lord, that there is strength and victory in your name. Thank you that you train my hands for battle and equip me with the weapon of your Word. I am so in love with you. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

I love my friends. I don’t think they know how much I love them. But they really are like family to me.

Today, after ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT, I spent some sleepy prayer time thanking God for what He has given me right now. (NOT sleep. God? Help me OUT!!!!)

I started to think about my friends - the last few days they have gone to bat spiritually for me in so many ways. Here are a few of them.

AMANDA

Here is an excerpt from our conversation today:

Jess: (finishing up long, sad tale of bad week): So, anyway, I just feel like crap and I AM crap and I don’t know what to do right now. I am upset with myself. I am tired. Geez.

Amanda: You are believing a whole bunch of garbage right now, girl. You better go home and PRAY. You need to ask the Lord to show you the TRUTH in your situation instead of the lies you are currently believing.

Jess: Oh.

Amanda (sound of her getting off some fancy exercise machine): Hold on. Let me get somewhere private where I can pray for you.

When Amanda prays, she PRAYS. Not a small “Bless her, Lord” prayer - but powerful, come-Holy-Spirit, life-giving, scripture-filled prayers. MAN. She prays for me every morning, she prays for me in the middle of Target, and she prays for me at the bathroom at the Y. I love that girl.

ERIN

She received my sad “sorry, but I need prayer” email and responded with the following:

“Sorry, I have reached my prayer quota for the month and I am no longer praying for the needs of others. No praises, no petitions, no thanksgiving. I can possibly fit you in next month.

Whatever, Jess, that enemy must be saying some sick things if you think for a second we can tire of going to God on your behalf. It is an honor to do so. Praying for you…”

I need these kinds of friends. The kind of women who are not satisfied to see me living my spiritual life with mediocrity but who consistently challenge me to seek the face of Jesus, no matter what is going on.

They encourage me when things are going well; they pray when things are not going well. They do not sit on the sidelines while I have a bad week - they GET IN MY FACE.

I need friends like Kelly, who call and leave super-wonderful long messages encouraging me, reminding me of the truth about my situation and the truth about the Lord and what He is telling me to do.

I need friends like Lisa, one of the mightiest prayer warriors I have ever known, to look me in the eyes and say, “Well, what is God saying to you about this?”

This week has been ROUGH. It still is. And it was a week where I needed godly friends to remind me about pressing into the Lord.

Phil 2:1-2 says “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care — then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.” (The Message)

My deep-spirited friends - every one.

If I were less sleepy, I’d be more eloquent. But I just feel really, really happy and grateful for the gift that they are in my life.

Lord, thank you for sisters who walk shoulder to shoulder with me. Show me how to be a godly friend in return. I love you, Jesus. Amen.

I thought I was done with anxiety.

I mean, really. Hasn’t God done enough in my life - taken me out of multiple pits, carried me through numerous storms - that now I should get it. I should say, without fear, “I can trust Him. God is in control and I have nothing to fear.”

I just sent an email to my Bible Study. Bless. Their. Hearts. I think they may be tired of praying for me. “Dear Friends…Uh, I am pretty anxious right now…Not sleeping…Afraid of not being able to handle stuff…Please pray…Love You…Jess.”

I know they will pray but a part of me felt really embarrassed that I even needed to send it out.

I WANT TO BE DONE WITH ANXIETY. PERMENANTLY.

And yet, when I give in to the thoughts that always swirl around my mind, I am choosing my fears over the Lord. I am choosing to dwell on the “what ifs” instead of the “He wills” and “He cans”.

This morning, after another sleepness night - during which I decided that I will not be able to lead a Bible study, teach, parent, or be married anymore - after those lovely conclusions, I read Psalm 139.

And I remembered why I can trust Him. His words washed over my tired bones and weary heart and I mumbled the words out loud…

“Lord, you know everything about me…you know everything I am going to do…you know everything I am going to say before I say it, Lord.”

I breathed. Right. He knew I was going to be anxious again. He knew I would fall yesterday. I kept reading.

“You go before me and follow me…You place your hand of blessing on my head…I can never get away from your Spirit…I can never get away from your Presence.”

I breathed again. Oh. I can never get away from His Presence? MY GOSH. I could just stop and soak in that truth for the next twelve years.

I finished reading the Psalm and was reassured of the Lord’s total love and passion for me, in spite of my anxious thoughts. In spite of yelling at Hugh. In spite of all the ways I feel that I do not and will not measure up.

I may screw up today. I may continue to live imperfectly. But regardless of how many times I ask my friends for prayer, no matter how many times I ask Hugh to forgive my anger…I am loved by my Lord and “I can never get away from His Presence.” Ever.

EVER!

It is this truth that makes me get up today. That makes me ask Hugh for forgiveness. That gives me strength to pray over my fears. That helps me mother my children. To live my life.

I have His Presence. And it’s enough.

I started getting calls - concerned calls - about my mom a few years ago.

“Uh, Jess,” the voice of my precious pastor said, “something is not right here.”

“Is this Jessica?” Another call came, someone I did not know. “Hey - my name is Brian. I need to talk to you.”

And so my personal nightmare began. My mother’s breakdown lasted several long months during which I felt like everything I knew was turned upside down.

I lay on the bed at night, trying to talk to Hugh, feeling as if he were a million miles away. No one could possibly understand the pain I was in, not even my husband. When my depression started, I was relieved because it meant I didn’t have to fight anymore.

My mother’s severe breakdown remains that single most difficult experience of my life. It was the darkest, most painful thing I have ever experienced.

A few days ago, my friends and I talked about Philippians 1. Paul talks a lot about joy - but he talks a lot about suffering as well.

Slowly, cautiously, we shared stories of our own suffering.

All their stories make me cry as I remember. Loss, disappointment, and grief - the common thread of all our experiences.

How can we find Christ in the middle of the pain? Where is He when life doesn’t make sense anymore?

One of my friends spoke up. “When I think back over my life so far - when I think about it like a timeline - I can see that the times I have grown spiritually - really grown the most - are when I have been suffering.”

We all thought for a minute. My head started to nod. I remembered my mother’s breakdown, I remembered wanting to die, I remembered the total hopelessness.

Then I remembered starting to trust God in the middle of the pain. I slowly started to trust Him even though I did not have the answers. I began to seek Him with a passion and a hunger that I had never known before.

I never needed Him that much until I had nothing left to give. No more energy to face my situation, no more ideas on how to solve it. I was completely broken - my suffering was total.

When I had nothing left, He came in. Step by step, Jesus began to fill me up. I started to trust Him. I became dependent on Him.

Paul says that “there’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There’s also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting” (Phil. 1:29, The Message).

The suffering is a gift.

“You know,” another woman said, recounting her own story, “it has been worth it. Really. The pain of what I went through - now that I know Him more, it was worth the hurt.”

She echoes what Paul knew, what kept him full of joy during his own suffering. Knowing Christ is worth everything - the things He speaks to us in the dark places are precious words that we wouldn’t hear in the light of day. He can become our everything in the middle of the pain - and we can understand truly that “to live is Christ, to die is gain.”

He comforts the brokenhearted.
He gives beauty for ashes.
He changes mourning into dancing.
He takes us from darkness to light.
He speaks life to things that have died.
(Isaiah 61:1-3, Psalm 30:11, 1 Peter 2:9, Ezekiel 37)

And, now trusting and loving Him more - we begin to live again.

About an hour before my teaching observation yesterday, my nervousness was replaced with this amazing sense of peace.

“Yeah!” said Amanda as I drove to the school. “That is the peace of the Lord.”

Oh. Right.

The thing is - I could really tell people were praying for me. More than just Hugh and Amanda. I got some emails from people saying they were going to be praying for me…and…well, I could TELL.

Something supernatural happened - because I was a complete spaz all week, and then yesterday I was fine.

My observation? In a word:

WONDERFUL!

I am going to use the word again:

WONDERFUL! WONDERFUL!

I felt so at-ease and peaceful as I presented my lesson. The students responded. I love all of them already, and I hope they are in my class next year.

I can’t believe it!

So.

If you prayed for me yesterday - THANK YOU so much. I think your prayers may have kept me from a nervous collapse where I started muttering Shakespeare while twitching under a table.

To end this post- I leave you with a line from my lesson yesterday. We discussed iambic pentameter and iambic tetrameter.

Here is an example of iambic tetrameter. I hope it blesses you.

“I will not eat them with a mouse.
I will not eat them in a house.
I will not eat them here or there.
I will not eat them anywhere.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”