Mourning Into Dancing

I have good news and bad news about my parenting.

The good news is: I no longer want to escape being a mom every time life gets hard with my children. No more constant fantasizing about the mountains, the beach, the cabin, the nap… nope, I am learning that I have to stay plugged in with them. I can’t run away.

The bad news: My children have developed some CRAP behavior lately. So much for not using the word “crap” anymore. I need to whip out “crap” to describe the fighting, the hitting, the lack of obedience, the whining, the complaining… ugh.

The confession: I have an addiction to buying parenting books. If it seems from the title that a book could help me, I’ll buy it in two seconds. And I’ll spend all day reading it while ignoring my children, thinking… “This book is really going to help me. I’m going to figure out how to finally solve some of these behavior issues. I’ll learn to be a good mom.”

So I stick my children in front of Disney Playhouse all day while I read a parenting book promoting one of the following ideas:

1. I need to spank my children for every offense. This is the only Godly way. This is the way to train them. I need to do this. I have to do this.

2. I must spend large amounts of time creating charts and incentives to help my children have good behavior. The more complex the chart, the bigger the family store, the bigger the bribe - the better this will work.

3. I need to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my children. If I plan weekly tea parties with my daughters and ask my son about his feelings a lot… well, then I’ll win their hearts, and they will just naturally behave well.

4.The last parenting book that I read a few days ago promised me that if I followed the author’s plan, my children would be radically well-behaved in only one week. I bought two copies of this book - one for Hugh and one for me. I underlined. I reread portions. I struggled through each chapter while the television droned on.

The last book did me in. I knew it wasn’t going to work for our family. Now what? How the heck can I learn good parenting skills? I am so afraid of screwing up, and I desperately want the right book to teach me and show me.

Yesterday I flopped down and started to pray. “Look, Lord. I don’t know what to do with my kids right now. Which book should I buy next? I need some help right now.”

In an instant, His voice came. “Are you ready to listen to me?”

Oh, man. WHAT?

“You need to talk to me about your children, Jess. I have every answer that you need. I know you. I know Hugh. I know your children. I am the One who can give you guidance and counsel, not these books. But are you ready to listen?”

Having tried everything else, having struggled to find answers to my questions everywhere but at the throne, I finally surrendered.

“Yes, Lord.” I whispered back. “I want to hear from you…I just didn’t realize you wanted to be this specific with me about my kids.”

“Ask me everything about them, Jess.”

So I did. I sat for over an hour and I poured out every question to the Perfect Parent. I asked Him how to handle the fighting, and He gave me a plan for my children that will work. God prioritized the issues my children are struggling with and He showed me how to handle each one. EACH ONE!

God answered every question that I had. I just needed to ask.

I say He is my Counselor; I say I live surrendered to Him - but I have not been acting like it. Surrender means that it is all on the table before Him - every issue, every problem, everything I’m dealing with.

So, the parenting books are coming off my shelf. I may sell them on eBay and use the money to get myself a manicure or something. I’m taking the parenting books off my blog, too. Right now I want to rely on the wisdom of the One who created my children and look to Him to show me how to raise them.

If I can trust Him with my life, I can trust Him each day to show me how to be a mom. And now, each day, somewhere during my time with God, I’m going to ask…

“God, show me specifically how you want me to mother my kids this day. Show me what they need and please give me your wisdom.”

Then joyfully, I will say with a full heart that:

“The Lord is good and does what is right;
he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
He leads the humble in doing right,
teaching them his way.
The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.
For the honor of your name, O Lord,
forgive my many, many sins.
Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they should choose.
They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit the land” (Psalm 25: 8-15).

I have written an insightful post on my prayer time in a cemetery this week. I sat in the grass and watched a family far away from me huddle around a grave. I wondered if my life had meaning. I thought about my priorities.

I have written about falling in love again with Hugh. I wrote about our second honeymoon of sorts- the kind of rich experience that happens because God is rebuilding my marriage. They are happy tears, I say. I have had enough of sad tears.

I have written about my fears as God takes me to a new place in Him. I wrote about Moses as he stood on the banks of the Red Sea and God moved in an amazing and powerful way in his life all because Moses extended his hand. God, I reflected, will move powerfully in my life if I stretch out my hand to Him and rely on Him alone.

I have written about my newfound love for the music of Ben Harper. I have never, ever, ever listened to any secular music since I became a Christian at fifteen. A quick glance through my iPod will show thousands of modern worship songs and…nothing else. So now Ben joins Chris Tomlin and Steve Fee and Rita Springer. “Walk away,” Ben croons at me.

I have written about my children. I thought about the ways I could describe my parenting advice to a new mom. The “count to three” twelve times technique that I seem to employ daily. Or the “buy a new parenting book every week because it’s hard to be confident as a mom” technique that also works well. How about the “just don’t talk to me right now” technique? How can I be a mother, I wailed on the page. God help me, I cried.

I have written about other things, too. Half completed thoughts fill my draft box. Half completed thoughts fill my head, too. This is a week of no conclusions, only living.

So tomorrow I’ll get up and pray and bring God all my half-thoughts and ask Him to fill in the gaps. Then I’ll put on Ben Harper as I get ready to go to church with the children I love. We’ll pass the cemetery on the way and I’ll squeeze Hugh’s hand as I realize how much I love him.

Maybe God is working on me unaware.

Well, aside from the really upsetting fact that I hired a cleaning lady to come clean my house this morning and she did NOT come…

Aside from the fact that this wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have about six different types of old meals sprinkled all over my floor…AND I have six of my favorite women coming over tonight…

(Don’t use the powder bathroom. Just don’t, o-kay? I’m sorry. This is what happens when I PROCRASTINATE and DON’T FIND JOY IN CLEANING!!!)….

Aside from the fact that I caught myself yawning in the mirror this morning and was startled at how old I look…

Aside from the fact that my two oldest children are currently in a lengthly time out together in an upstairs bedroom…I’ve decided I’m through working out their issues and they will work out their own conflict. They are FIVE and SEVEN - how can they even have issues?

Aside from the fact that I HATE my new gray pants…I look like a giant ball of laundry lint…I’ve lost the receipt, but it doesn’t matter, they are going IN THE TRASH…

Aside from the fact that all we have in the fridge is one gallon of old milk, half a loaf of slightly hard bread, and a giant ham leftover from Easter that no one wants to eat anymore…

Aside from all of that…I am excited to announce the winner of the Amazon.com gift card!!! Yeah!!

…

…

(Um, that was a virtual drum roll.)

Number 27~ Alicia!

It’s you, Babe! Aren’t you excited! I’ll email you your gift card tomorrow after I go grocery shopping and throw away my pants!!

Now, if you didn’t win, I’m sorry. But at least you don’t look like a ball of lint. And your house is definitely cleaner than mine. And you probably don’t struggle with guilt and anxiety NEARLY as much as I do.

So, really, in a way, you’ve all won.

Congratulations!

“God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.  We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love…” (1 John 4:17-19a, The Message).

Every other week, Hugh comes in with me to my counseling appointment. We sit next to each other on the dark leather couch and M. talks with us. I usually try to make a bunch of jokes that neither of them find very funny.

“So,”asked Kelly a couple of weeks ago over sushi, “What did you talk about in counseling today?”

I answered grumpily, “My difficulty apologizing.”

Amanda asked last night, “How was your appointment?”

I groan. “Counseling is so hard. Why can’t I be done having stuff to work on?”

“Just wait till glory,” she said reassuringly.

The times Hugh and I sit together and hash through hard issues are draining, but I have resolved to do whatever it takes to be whole in my life - and that includes my marriage.

As Hugh and I have been talking - really talking - about the things that have built up in our relationship, we have gotten a lot closer. For the first time in a long time, we can have a conflict and actually discuss the situation without it escalating (i.e, Jess losing control and flinging a mascara tube at Hugh’s leg).

Hugh is elated lately. “I feel so, so close to you,” he says, nuzzling my neck.

I, on the other hand, feel something I didn’t expect at all.

I feel really scared.

It’s not just the”oh, I hope this lasts” anxiety - a deep fear is surfacing in my heart as Hugh holds me late at night.

He kisses me - and I love it. I’m drawn to him, and I want more of him - but I start to cry and push him away.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so afraid of letting him in my heart all the way?

I didn’t realize the walls I had built up in my marriage until they started to come down. And instead of being excited about the new closeness, I feel so afraid.

Afraid he’ll hurt me, afraid he’ll leave, afraid he’ll reject me.

This morning, Bible open and kleenex in hand, God asked, “Who, Jess? Who hurt? Who left? Who rejected you?”

Oh. It wasn’t Hugh.

Once again I have brought my old scars into my marriage and flung them messily in the face of my undeserving husband.

Weeping, I realized that, as in every thing else, only God can heal me in this and create something new in my heart. I want to love Hugh unafraid. I want to give myself wholly to the man I love.

It makes me tremble inside -  and yet God is calling me to live my life unafraid. Instead of keeping myself locked away in a safe place, the Lord is flinging open the doors to my heart and saying, “Go. Go, now. I am right with you every scary step.”

So I’ll step into Hugh’s arms, and I’ll let Hugh hold me as long as I want him to. I’ll spend time laughing and delighting in him.

I’ll fall in love completely with my husband.

Hugh,
“Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!” (Song of Solomon 2:11-13).

Love,
Jess

“If his gift is a burnt offering from the herd, he is to bring an unblemished male…”

I wonder if Gram is going to make bacon for us this morning when we go over for breakfast…

“The sons of Aaron the priest will prepare a fire on the altar and arrange wood on the fire.”

Hmmm…Kelly’s haircut looked cute at church yesterday. Should I cut my hair?

“The priests will take a handful a fine flour and oil from it, along with all its frankincense…”

Is Hugh serious about wanting to go on vacation for his birthday this year? That would be so fun…

And so it goes. My glorious time with the Lord this morning. Sort of.

The time where I entered the Presence of my King and heard from Him through His word. Sort of.

There is this constant push and pull in my relationship with the Lord. If I think that every morning prayer time should be glorious - I have set myself up for failure. If I think that every time of prayer must be insightful and life-changing, then I will probably stop making time for daily prayer - I would be discouraged when I read about Aaron’s wood piles in Leviticus and end up thinking about Kelly’s haircut and our family vacation.

When I am this distracted, I am learning to pray about it like this:

“You must present fresh heads of grain, crushed kernels, roasted on the fire, for your offering of firstfuits…blah blah blah….ahhhhhhhhh! God, I can’t concentrate on Your Word at ALL right now. Please come in this moment and fill me with your focus and a desire for your Word and for your Presence.”

And, most of the time, my desire and focus comes. The times that I still have extreme difficulty focusing on His Word and in prayer, I pick up a devotional book and read a few pages before picking up my giant coffee mug and heading out into my life.

Sort of?

Yet none of the time spent before His throne is wasted. Even the verses in Leviticus that I read half-heartedly this morning spoke to my heart and my day.

As I thought about the different types of offerings that the Israelites were required to bring before God to be clean, I reflected joyfully that I always have the privilege to come before Him just as I am - without any offering prepared. No grain, no bulls, no pile of wood on the altar. Nope - I can approach His throne with confidence to find grace to help in time of need because of Jesus.

Jesus - my offering.

There’s my truth for today: Jesus is my offering. Even when I am distracted, in a bad mood, can’t pray, yelled at my kids, have a messy house, hurt someone’s feelings…Jesus is my offering.

And tomorrow when I come to pray, hopefully with some more focus and passion, He will still be right before me, leading and guiding and loving on those days as well.

Lord, thank you for taking my distraction and my lack of focus and still speaking to me through Your Word. Thank you for teaching me to be “a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1). Jesus, thank you for being my offering, for providing a way, once and forever, for me to approach the throne of my God. I love you, Amen.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Since I have backslidden (pray for me) and have looked at my stats page - I have realized that THIS IS MY 200th POST!!!

WOO HOO!

200.

So, here are the rules for my 200th Post Giveaway:

1. Write 200 of your favorite Bible verses out in your comment.

2. Also, tell me 200 reasons you like my blog.

3. Give me 200 reasons I can use with Hugh to convince him to either buy me an iPhone or take our family to Disney World.

Then, just like that, you’ll be entered! How easy is that!

O-kay, um, actually, all you have to do is leave a comment. That’s it. I’ll enter you if you leave a comment. Sigh.

If you leave a comment on this post before Wednesday at midnight, then you are entered to win a…

FIFTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO AMAZON.COM!!!!

My favorite store EVER.

(It’s also the reason Hugh probably WON’T take me to Disney - because I’ve spent all our savings on books from Amazon. BIG sigh.)

AND- The giveaway is open to EVERYONE (even you, Hugh!)…

So…ENTER…ENTER…ENTER…

And I’ll let radom.org chose the winner Wednesday and announce it on Thursday morning…

ENTER…ENTER…ENTER…

YEAH!!!!!!

“He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying” (Matthew 28:6).

I’d been a Christian for ten years before someone ever said “He is risen” to me on Easter.

“He is risen,” Genie said to me a few years ago on Easter afternoon when she and her husband came over for Easter dinner.

“Why the heck are you saying that?” Spiritual Jess asked.

“Well, I say ‘He is risen’ and then you respond with ‘He is risen indeed.’ It’s an Easter greeting that we always said growing up in church.”

Oh. The church I grew up in had me pretend to be different dead people while they baptized me in a giant mirrored room in a big bowl that sat on some golden oxen! So that might explain why I had never heard “He is risen” before. Aaaah!

But when Genie told me the Easter greeting, I just fell in love with it. There is something so joyous in the words “He is risen”, something that makes me want to sing and dance and weep as I think about the empty tomb and my risen King.

That’s it. Those are my Easter thoughts. My day has been full of french toast, Bible stories, egg hunts, gifts (Hugh and I always give each kid one Easter gift to encourage them in their relationship with Christ), and a phenomenal church service.

I’ve got to go make some mashed potatoes now.

But if you call me, and I pick up and say, “He is risen!”

I know I’ll hear you say back:

“He is risen indeed!”

1. How do I stop listening to people I love gossip about other people I love?

2. When is it o-kay to be angry? What does “be angry and do not sin” really mean practically as I walk daily with Jesus?

3. If I start working again, will I ever make dinner or begin my big exercise program where I become extremely cute again?

4. How can I help my child stop complaining and whining so much of the time? Is this whining and complaining a reflection on my parenting? How much of my children’s bad behavior am I actually responsible for?

5. Will Hugh take me to Disneyworld this year if I whine and complain enough? (Oops. I actually wrote that before I thought about question 4. STRUG-GLE.)

6. Is is wrong to take all of my children’s used clothes to Goodwill instead of selling them on Craig’s List or in a garage sale? Does this make me a bad steward?

7. Why can’t I read any solid classic literature? I mean, I love books so much - why can’t I read some Dickens or Shakespeare or something?

8. What should I say to my grandmother when she asks me if I think she will ever drive again? When I know she never will?

9. How much time one-on-one do my children need every day from me?

10. How many calories are in my Grande Cinnamon Dolce Frappucino from Starbucks that I am drinking right now? With whip?