A Botulism Christmas

8 Moments of Christmas I wish I Could Delete:

1. The moment I took a big bite of the pulled pork sandwich I made myself for lunch on Christmas Eve and my mother-in-law quietly whispered to me that the pork roast was our Christmas Eve entree. Oh, the joy of stuffing my face in front of my husband’s family with food MEANT FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER. I, of course, ran to the bathroom and locked the door for a while.

2.  The moment my 83-year-old grandmother patted my cheek as I was leaving town for a week and told me bravely to “have a good time, dear.” I will not feel guilty. She will be okay.

3.  The moment my daughter told me that her favorite Christmas gift was the toy vacuum from her grandparents. Please say it ain’t so, Hannajean. I spent all this time picking out wonderfully engaging toys for her this year – toys to stimlulate her mind and encourage her in Jesus. And she likes a cheap Dirt Devil Vacuum. Argh.

4.  Having a gas station clerk run after me at a Citgo in Kentucky, yelling angrily, “MA’AM! YOU FORGOT TO SIGN YOUR SLIP!” Hello? Nearly everywhere I shop in Charlotte, you don’t have to sign the credit card slip if your purchase is under twenty bucks. I didn’t know that I needed to sign the slip for my faux-vitamin-water drink.

5.  Pretending to be excited on Christmas morning when my husband eagerly handed me my first gift. A bluetooth headset. At first I thought he was joking and that it was a gift for him that he wrapped for me to be funny. But, no. It was my gift.

6.  Trying to cook Green Bean Casserole as my big contribution to the family dinner and having my mother-in-law upset with me because she was afraid I wasn’t being careful enough and that my cooking was going to give everyone botulism poisoning. I haven’t tried to cook anything for them for several years. Now I remember why.

7.  Having to sleep in the same room with my two oldest children for a week. I know that is many moments but I think it deserves a place on my list.

8.  Having various family members take pictures of me opening Christmas gifts (“Oh, look, Hugh! A bluetooth headset!”) while I looked incredibly nasty. I hate every picture taken of me this week, and there have been a lot because my in-laws want to capture every moment of our visit.

I want to point out that there were many wonderful moments this Christmas as well. But, seriously, they are not as funny to write about. I’ll probably reread this in ten years and wonder if I was ever happy.

Merry Christmas.