Mourning Into Dancing

“So I said to myself, ‘I will get up and roam the city, searching in all its streets and squares. I will search for the one I love…’” (Song of Solomon 3:2).

A few days ago, I went to sleep upstairs away from my husband. I curled up on the floor with my big green down comfortor and cried into the fibers of my carpet as I tried to figure out how we had so quickly grown apart again.

I decided to sleep on the carpet because I wanted a way to punish myself for all the ways I had failed God and Hugh that day as a wife. Darkness filled our spare bedroom and my mind as I let the discouraging thoughts pour over me. I don’t need to rewrite them. They are simply the thoughts that come when I let my guard down, when I choose discouragement and hopelessness instead of the Lord.

But God is just as faithful to reach down to me when I am crying on the floor in the middle of the night as when I am worshipping Him with abandon and joy. And it’s that faithfulness that continues to amaze me - the longer I walk with Jesus, the more I realize that His strength and Presence are available to me in every situation, regardless of the circumstances.

As I pulled the blanket up around me, I heard God speak very, very, very softly to my heart. He spoke to my about my priorities and showed me that, once again, I had put my marriage on the back burner. The result two months later is a husband who doesn’t want to talk to me and a mouth full of carpet fiber.

Before, I had been purposing to make time for weekly date nights with Hugh. However, I’m the one responsible for working out the babysitting, and rather than using the sitter for dates, I’d been having her come during the day and using my “kid-free” time for Christmas shopping and projects around the house. Also, Hugh has been gone a lot for work lately, and I have not been purposeful about spending the little time we have had together to be, really be with him - to really connect and catch up.

So why am I surprised when sarcasm and miscommunication started to slowly creep into our relationship (again)? Did I think that since I had made my marriage a top priority for the last nine months, that I could get lazy? My relationship with my husband is something that needs constant attention and focus, not a task I can check off my list.

I got up the next morning with a sore back, but I was very determined to make a change. I called my best friend and we set up some date night swaps. I spent time specifically praying for my attitude and heart for Hugh that day. Then we made time to really talk and catch up with each other’s lives.

I will fight for my marriage. I will not lay down on the carpet in my relationship with the man I am living life with. I will determine to make him first after the Lord and ask God for a soft, convictable heart that realizes when I am not doing that. I will look for - and find - romance with my bearded, funny, Godly banker.

God, thank you that you speak to me where I am. Please continue to show me when I am not making my marriage or my husband a priority. I want to love him and honor him in my life, and only you can teach me how to do that. Thank you for my man. In the name of your Son, Amen.