Laying Down
“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” (Psalm 30:11-12, NASB).
The day I realized I was losing my mother, the cold started in my fingers and spread throughout my body. Numbness and pain took over completely, and I forgot how to laugh. I forgot joy.
I didn’t lose my mom in the traditional way. No one sent me flowers or a card. I didn’t get lasagna or a gift certificate to Chili’s to help me and my family through the roughest time of our lives. We faced the murky waters of her mental illness alone. I had days where I had difficulty finding the strength to breathe.
Personal loss always feels unique, I think. The grief that overwhelms and threatens to overshadow intimacy with the Lord is a very lonely feeling.
The sorrow consumed me for months. There was no easy solution, no quick fix that I applied to my heart to find healing and wholeness. I daily threw myself before God. I screamed. I cried. I was angry. And I waited for Him to tell me what to do.
One morning I woke up extremely early – sleep is elusive when life is falling apart. I dragged myself upstairs to my prayer chair. My Bible was closed beside me as I sat down and once again brought my pain to Him. In one clear moment, I felt the Lord speak quietly, but firmly, to my heart, as He told me the hardest thing I have ever heard Him say.
On that morning God told me that I needed to lay my mother down at His throne and leave her there at His feet forever.
My mind cleared of other thoughts as I saw an image of me bringing up my mother’s broken and limp body to the feet of God and then gently setting her down. Then I walked away.
This was the most difficult thing God has ever asked me to do. Ever. I felt wave after wave of grief crashing over me as I knew that the Lord was leading me away from her and back to my family.
In that moment, I was Abraham. I gave up the thing most precious to me. My mother and her pain and her illness had become an idol to me. If not, I do not think it would have been so excruciating for me to give her back to God.
And as I gave up my Isaac, something forever changed in my relationship with the Lord. He was no longer an accessory, no longer something pleasant and convenient to me. I stopped looking to God to enhance my life; instead, He began to sustain it.
I know that God did not make my mom sick, but He used that time in my life to break off things in my heart that were keeping me from knowing Him fully as my Lord.
When I am tempted to pick back up the things God has told me to lay down, when I entertain the idea of scheduling my life in such a way that I don’t make time to sit in His Presence, when I find myself starting to believe my old fears and insecurities instead of His Word, then I remember that time. I remember wrestling with God in the night, like Jacob, and now limping through life with a new dependence on Christ.
He has become my everything. And though I would not want to go through the pain again, now that I am on the other side, I can look confidently toward heaven with hands and heart raised as I cry out, “Lord, You are indeed worth it all. I have given you all I have, Father, and I have found you completely trustworthy to hold my life together. Show me your glory again this day, as I live surrendered to you.”
And it has been a privelage to walk with you through this incredibly hard time. I have seen the power of God in your life through it. He has been so faithful to you as you have taken HUGE steps of faith. To Him be the glory.
Oh, Jessica. I have no words. It was so beautiful. I will have to come back and read that a couple of times as each of the words simmer. Wow.
Your words touched my heart deeply Jess. I can’t find the words to explain it to you. *thank you*
Beautiful, friend. I’d love to know more of our story here.
And I’m sorry.
Jessica,
This testimony blessed me personally. I too, have had to ‘survive’ the pain of seeing my Mom suffer from mental illness and alcoholism. I’ve had to remind myself – daily – that I cannot ‘fix’ my Mom. You gave me such a feeling of Peace by sharing the way in which you laid your Mom before the Lord. It’s a daily surrender for me right now. I know the Lord will bring brighter days, and I have hope in that the Lord has great plans for both of our Moms! Praise Him! Thank you, Jessica, for blessing me. Thank you, Lisa Shea, for sharing these precious words of encouragement from your friend.
This sent chills up my spine. To think of taking your mom, a prized possession and leaving it at the cross… Wow! That’s pretty much all I can say!
Wow. That’s a powerful post…and makes me realize I have an Issac I need to leave with God…
What a touching story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
What a beautiful story. You wrote in such a lovely way about an unpleasant subject. It truly touched my heart.
Blessings,
Starr
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing this touching story.
Congratulations on the contest!!
I’ve visited your blog before and loved the idea of your prayer basket. I’ll be back…:)
Many Blessings~
Lelia
CONGRATULATIONS! on the writing contest! This post touched my heart deeply having experiened the loss of loved one to mental illness. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you have a really great day!
Blessings,
Miss Sandy
What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing it!
God Bless,
Jane
Amen- what inspiration. Thank you. Congrats on the honorable mention.
Excellent post! It is truly a wonderful feeling to release everything into the Lord’s hands and let Him take the lead!
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Jess! You always touch me with your writing! Great job!
I loved your post about your mother. I have had my Abraham/Isaac moment as well.
I am known for my wrestling matches with God. I personally think He loves them, after
all He gets to win and I get to change.
Congratulations on the honorable mention. You deserve it.
I see we like one of the same books, John Ortberg’s “If You Want to Walk on Water……”
I read that book back in 2002 and it has been on my mind alot lately. I think it’s time to pick
it back up and see what God has done in my life in the interim.
I enjoyed reading your heart. Thanks for sharing.
Many Blessings,
Julie
A very tearful, wow. I submitted my blog too and gladly “lose” to you ~
God bless you for turning your pain into words to comfort others. I have someone very special in my life that your words opened my eyes and heart to, in a deeper way. Thank you for being a conduit of understanding and all the while; God in the middle of your journey.
You are an inspiration and a beautiful example of “beauty for ashes” in this sisters’ heart.
God bless you and keep writing sister!
steph
What a testimony. God’s mercy in your brokenness is everlasting and true. I am blessed by your words and your love for the Father.