“While Jesus was in the Temple, he watched the rich people dropping their gifts in the collection box. Then a poor widow came by and dropped in two small coins. ‘I tell you the truth,’ Jesus said, ‘this poor widow has given more than all the rest of them. For they have given a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she has.’ ” (Luke 21:1-4).
My grandmother fell and hurt her back. I need to take her to the doctor today. My two-year-old has a runny nose and a bad attitude. She needs my care and correction. My husband has been sick for two days and asked me yesterday if I could, please, warm a can of soup for him. I needed to warm the soup, but I wanted to throw the can through the window and order Chinese food instead. I have emails to respond to, people I should talk to, doctors’ appointments to make, Thanksgiving to plan and cook for, and dishes to wash. I need to do all of these things, and I want to do exactly none of them.
My floors are filthy, the laundry room (dark because I haven’t replaced the burnt-out bulb) is overflowing, and I haven’t exercised in a month. This week my counselor has encouraged me to find time to sit before the Lord and pray through some of my childhood pain. For example, maybe I should pray through the reason I can’t slow down? I would like to do this, really. But I don’t have the time.
When I prayed this morning, I was mad. I told God that I was incredibly sick of not having enough time to do everything I needed to do. I am tired of hating that I can not be enough for everyone in my life. I can’t be enough wife, daughter, mother, granddaughter, friend, and church volunteer. I definitely can’t be enough housekeeper or chef.
I felt like I was going to drown in the weight of all the areas that I can’t measure up. The ways that I am afraid of disappointing the people I love. I’ll never be enough for the people I love.
“Look, Lord,” I prayed, “Your Word says I can come boldly to your throne with confidence and that I’ll find grace to help in time of need. So…help me! HELP ME!”
Then I screamed into my pink pillow a few times.
People began flashing in front of my mind. People I have never been enough for. My mother. My stepdads. My children. Friends. “I HAVE NEVER BEEN ENOUGH FOR ANY OF THESE PEOPLE, GOD. I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE.” I sobbed.
You are enough for Me.
Just like that. His voice speaks, and everything changes. His voice speaks, and I understand. His voice speaks, and it’s the voice I long for, the voice of the One who Sings over me.
I’m enough for Him. Nothing I do (or don’t do) separates me from His love. My successes and my failures don’t separate me from His love. My parenting and cooking and impulsive shopping don’t separate me from His love. My broken family doesn’t separate me from His love. Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
How is this really true? How can I begin to understand the depth of His love for me? That I, the woman who just screamed for thirty minutes and wrote angry words all over her prayer journal, am enough for Him? That He adores me? That I am His girl?
I still come to Jesus’ feet like I did the day I first met Him - just as I am. I might be sobbing, or I might be smiling. I might be in a great mood and feeling good about my life and how I am living out my goals, or I might come angry and a complete emotional wreck. He’ll take me any way I come. Because I’m enough for my Lord.
And, Abba, You are enough for me. Thank You for loving me in the middle of my mess. Holy Spirit, help to understand how deep and how wide is the Father’s love for me. That He loves me regardless. I love You, I love You, I love You. Amen.
Again, Jess, you have echoed my heart. I have had that same incredible burden, I’ve been so overwhelmed and worn out and yet still trying to run that pace. And in the last year God truly has set me free from much of it. And the thing that made the biggest difference in it all to me was finally recognizing that He adores me- just as I am! That there is NOTHING I could do to make Him love me more. It took months of concentrating on that to even get close to really believing it! I’m praising Him tonight for reaching you right where you needed it.
A mentor prayed for me yesterday through my tears. The prayer was that nothing I do or don’t do will change the depth of God’s love for me. That goes for us all. Let us REJOICE that HE IS ENOUGH and that as we sit at His feet and listen to HIM, HE WILL direct our paths, HE WILL equip us, HE WILL supply our needs, HE WILL finish what He has started!!!
Thank You Father, for your mercies are new everyday, your power lives within us and because of JESUS, we are FREE!
Oh, you must be reading my mind! Maybe its Thanksgiving coming in a few days that has us stressed out. I’m cooking for 12 and you should see my house! (OK, no you really shouldn’t, I would be WAY too embarrassed!
) But its not just this week that I struggle with this really.
Something that has helped me is running things through my “eternity filter”. Sounds silly but I ask myself if what I am stressed out about will matter in eternity. Some things won’t. I refuse, or at least try to refuse to stress over them. While it doesn’t seem like dishes and laundry will, if my kids NEVER have clean clothes and dishes it will determine the kind of people they become. That matters. But if there are sticky sippy cups and a few loads of dirty laundry sitting around, its not going to hurt them. Or me.
Thanks for being so open and honest. That’s why I love your blog!! I see so much of myself in what you write. Thanks!!
(((Jess))) His strength is made perfect in our weakness isn’t it? I think we all have this occurr from time to time, especially during the holidays. Thank you for sharing this and I have no doubt God will use it as a reminder to me when my schedule gets too full this holiday season. I felt too full yesterday as it is, and it’s not even Black Friday yet.
I needed to hear that….thank you!
Our laundry room light is burned out too…and so am I. Thanks for an insightful post–I needed to hear that!
I’m tracking with you, sister.