Mourning Into Dancing

Reasons I Want To Give Into Materialism and Forget All About the True Meaning Of Christmas:

1. Ok. I’d really like an IPhone.

2. Even though I feel guilty and nostalgic walking past the forlorn Salvation Army man ringing the bell in front of my grocery story, I never stop and give any money in the sad. chipped. red. bucket.

3. I think maybe my kids will like me more if they have a lot of cool toys to open on Christmas morning. I still remember the green boom box I got when I was eight. I played my Paula Abdul loud and proud on that thing. I think I loved my step-dad more because of that gift. I mean, yes, he did have an anger problem, but the radio was awesome!

4. When my husband sits down with me and suggests we give our gift money to buy goats for poor families in Cambodia, I always get teary and wonder why he wants to hurt me.

5. I think that it would be really fun to buy all my friends really nice gift cards to Bath and Body Works this year. And put the gift cards in really cute little bags with silver and blue paper with some sort of cool-looking reindeer dancing on the front of the bag. Then my friends would know that I really, really love them. Because I can’t figure out how to show them I love them by spending under ten dollars apiece on them. What the heck am I supposed to get them for ten bucks that says, “I love you. Thank you for pouring out love and encouragement and prayer on me this year. Sincerely, Jess.” Seriously.

6. If I was giving into Christmas materialism, then I could order our Christmas meal from a local personal chef. That chef would come to my house and set everything up. I would sit on my couch, talking on my IPhone, while occasionally directing them as to where to put the herb-crusted turkey and fresh salmon on little toast points. Mmm.

7. If I decided to not focus on the true meaning of Christmas then I would put away the really expensive white advent candles that I ordered specifically LAST JULY so that this December my children and I would embark on a journey to Bethlehem together, which would lead to serious revival in the hearts of all of us.

And, I am sure, they would beg me to please, please Mommy, return all our gifts to Target and the Educational Learning Toy Store where you always buy us those wooden Melissa and Doug toys that we never ever play with anyway, and let us give all the money to families in Cambodia. Or to the Salvation Army Man.

No, I would decide that we don’t need to journey to Bethlehem this year. And that would make me feel better, because I keep forgetting to get out the advent wreath.

8. Finally, I would decide that I do not need to do any sort of major Christmas Craft project with my children.

*We would not make any oven mitts with fabric painted handprints on them.

*We would refrain from making any sort of painted wooden frame for the latest adorable Christmas picture project.

*We certainly would not spend any time making homemade bookmarks that are so large that when the grandparents open them up, I have to exclaim in a loud cheery voice, “Oh, look, Grandma! Look at your wonderful bookmark!”

After this list, I think I need to go and put on “It’s a Wonderful Life” and make myself a cup of eggnog. It’s either that or I’m booking a cruise for me and my husband to Porta Vallerta. I’m sure the grandparents won’t mind having my children stay with them over Christmas. After all, they can call me on Christmas morning on my IPhone - it will be just like I’m right there.

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need” (Matthew 6:33).

I am a total morning person. I wake up with energy and focus and clarity. I bound out of bed and start the coffee brewing ready to face the day. I just know a great day is before me!

I usually do whatever it takes in order to pray very first thing. I may have to get up early to pray. Other times I get things set out the night before so that I can quickly get my children out the door to preschool in the morning and then start my time with God.

I am normally extremely purposeful about bringing God the Morning Jess. Because the Morning Jess is the one who will actually be coherent with God. (Note: if I were an Evening Jess, I would pray in the evening. Hello? How about not being legalistic? I mean, seriously.)

This morning I decided to bring my best Morning Jess to…..my blog!! Oh, yes! “God,” I said, “I have this great idea for a post. So… maybe I should write it before I spend time in the Word or Prayer. I’ll be quick, Lord. Then I’ll pray.”

I heard no firm voice of rebuke so I embarked on my plan.

I settled into my chair with my IPod and my coffee. I opened up a blank Word document. I started to write. I wrote two sentences. I stopped.

Oh, yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

It was horrible. Absolutely the worst EVER! I felt so empty and dry. All my ideas were gone. I didn’t care about my post anymore. I didn’t care about my blog, my funny story, or my emails. (Note to self: cancel Gmail and go back to a phone landline so that I don’t have a backlog of 46 emails to respond to.)

I just wanted Him.

I had to be with God. I needed His Word. Why did I think that I could try and get something done if I hadn’t first been with Him? I want everything I do in my life to flow out of my relationship with God. Everything. This means that I need to put my relationship with Him first and not allow myself to get distracted. I need to consistently put Him first and then go on with the rest of my life.

I slammed my computer shut and opened my Bible. “Oh, Lord,” I said, breathlessly, “I am here. Please come and fill me this day. Speak to me through Your Word. Show me my heart. I want to hear from You. I want to be with You, Jesus…”

Seeking Him first is a choice offered to me every day of my life. Every morning I can get up and do whatever it takes to find time to meet with my Savior. I want to bring Him the best I have and watch in awe as I realize the joy and freedom that comes from living a life saturated with the Presence of Christ.

Life or death, Morning Jess. What will I choose this day?

God, I adore you. Help me to seek You first, Lord. I pray that when I don’t, You would remove all ease in whatever I’m doing. God, I don’t want to live without soaking in Your Presence. Show me what that looks like in my life during this season. In your holy name, Jesus. Amen.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results” (James 5:16).

Last year I was in the pit. It was the kind of pit where making dinner and smiling at my children was enough to sap all of my energy. I was tired. Discouraged. I wanted to give up on my life.

I still loved my family, but I was exhausted and depressed. I wanted to either crawl under my bed for about a month or run far away and not look back.

One cloudless Monday afternoon, my prayer partner came over. Most weeks, Amanda brings her two small boys to my house, and they nap or run around with my children while we try to find a quiet place to pray. That particular afternoon was especially noisy, and we escaped to my porch, shouting out instructions to the children as we firmly closed the door behind us.

Ah. Peace.

“How are you?” she asked, peering at me over her sunglasses.

I didn’t really want to talk because that would take too much effort. But somehow the words started to come, and I shared the pain of what was going on in my heart. And the hopelessness I felt. And how I saw absolutely no way out of my pit.

She listened well (just like she always does), and then she began to pray for me. She prayed for me to walk in the truth, to listen to Jesus instead of shame, to have victory. Amanda threw herself before the Lord on my behalf and interceded for me as I cried. She prayed for my family, my depression, my heart, my passion for Jesus and His Word.

On and on and on and on. She prayed.

And when she was done, something changed in my heart . I had the strength that night to get up and engage a little with my family. I had the courage that night to talk, really talk, to my husband about what was going on for me. I had the resolve that night to make some hard decisions for my life that would ultimately lead me out of the pit.

She prayed for me that day on my porch, and she prays for me daily. Amanda lifts me up before God every morning in her den with her Bible open in her lap and her chai tea next to her on the coffee table.

These are the prayers of a righteous woman who unabashedly goes to bat for me before the throne of God. And when she does, there is power and change in my life. When she prays for me, Heaven and earth collide, and I begin to heal.

I do not want to take this gift of prayer for granted. I want to be called higher myself - to pray like that for Amanda, my husband, my children, my friends. I want to be a part of their victory and their healing - like Amanda was for me.

Father, thank you for using prayer to change our hearts and our lives. You are so faithful to us when we lift each other up before your throne. I ask that you would give me a fresh desire this day to pray for my family and friends. Please give me a heart of intercession for the people I love. In the name of your Son, Amen.

“I love you, LORD; you are my strength” (Psalm 18:1).

Morning.

Maxwell House.

Too much half and half.

Calm children who are eyeing the new wooden spoon on the counter.

Freshly showered husband wanting to bless his wife.

His words, not mine.

Upstairs with coffee and IPod.

Chair.

Bible.

Rita Springer worship song.

Whispers of love to God.

Music gets louder.

Out of chair!

Dancing!

Loud singing!

Goosebumps.

Tears.

Sitting.

Psalm 18.

Verse one in prayer notebook.

Written out four times.

YOU are my strength.

You ARE my strength.

You are MY strength.

You are my STRENGTH.

More sitting.

Thinking about strength of God.

Eyes closed.

Quieter Rita music.

Listening.

Listening.

Listening.

Ask for eternal perspective.

Ask for more of God all over house and family and children and marriage.

More sitting.

Soul is still.

Heart at rest.

Coffee is done.

Day is just beginning.

This was my Faith Lifts Devotion today. In my rush to consume large amounts of turkey sandwiches with mayo and cracked pepper, I forgot to link to it. Of course, I need everyone in my life to understand how to pray for my relationship with Target, so you can read it here.

Enjoy!

I am thankful for a new friend this Thanksgiving. Cindy won my Fall Y’all Giveaway Personalized Prayer Basket, and we have gotten to know each other a little bit these last few weeks. Here is the COOLEST thing…unknown to either of us until a couple of weeks ago, she and I graduated from the same small college! Just a few years apart! It has been really awesome for me to get to know her through her blog (which is really wonderful) as well as find the personal connections. Thanks for blessing my month, Cindy! I hope you are blessed by your basket.

Here is a picture of Cindy’s basket:

It took me a little while to put together the basket because I wanted to spend some time on her Prayer Notebook. I looked for a scripture that she loves and then incorporated that on the cover. I often put a verse on the front of my Prayer Notebook that is something really fresh from the Lord in my life at the time. I love doing this.

Now, as promised, here is my Target Prayer Basket Shopping List.

1. Notebook for Prayer Notebook. (I get whatever looks easy to use. Most of the time I use a three-ring binder with the clear plastic cover so I can slip something in the front, but I’ve also used large spiral-bound notebooks and decorated the front with scrapbook paper and then covered it in clear contact paper. If you get a binder, you’ll need extra paper and tabs.)

2. A pretty basket.

3. A liner for the basket. (This may sound lame, but hey, I’m NOT Martha Stewart - sometimes I get a snazzy fabric napkin to line it.)

4. Index cards. (I usually write a verse on an index card while I’m reading my Bible when I have my time with God - whatever really speaks to me - then I can carry it with me that day or put it out where I can see it. Also, I write a to-do list on the back. This is not a comprehensive list for my day - they are things that I feel like God has spoken to me about and that I need to follow through with. Usually it says things like, “Apologize to Hugh” or “Spend time listening to my children”.)

5. Nice pens. (Because I have more fun writing out my prayers when I have good ink. Seriously. Why not splurge and go for the Pilot Pens!)

6. Pencil case. (Mead makes a nice soft one that stands upright, but any kind will do. I used to stick all my pens in a mug and stick it down in my basket.)

7. Kleenex. (When you sit down to pray, immediately you’ll have to get up to blow your nose. So instead of running to find tissue, keep some in your basket. Also, if you’re like me, when you cry before God, you’ll need something to wipe your face with!)

Other things that I put in basket that are not from Target:

1. My Bible.

2. 2-3 really good devotional books. I change these out a lot, depending on how I feel like God is using the books in my life. I usually read a chapter near the end of my prayer time. Right now I’m reading “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore and “The Mom Walk” by Sally Clarkson, but I’m sure I’ll have new books soon.

3. My IPod, loaded with worship music.

The key thing about my basket is that I have everything I need to spend time with God all together in one place. I don’t have to run around looking for things all over the house; it’s all right there. Also, it’s MY basket - a little space that I’ve created that is all about me and my relationship with Jesus. It is something that immediately helps me prepare myself to pray. To set aside everything else, focus, and just listen to His voice…to read His Word…to be filled fresh with His Holy Spirit…to cry, laugh, worship, and learn to be more like Jesus.

Lord, thank you for this day! I pray that you would call us all more deeply into your Holy Presence, regardless of the tools we use in prayer. I pray that you will give all of us more desire for Your Word and Your voice. We love you! In the name of Jesus, Amen.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

“I…wish…I…could…do…anything!” yells Jon-David, as he swings higher and higher in the backyard. I am sitting upstairs, and I can watch my children through the narrow window of the green bedroom where I sit in front of computer. I am savoring the time to reflect and write, wondering how I could be so stressed out yesterday but today be so acutely aware of the richness of my life.

He swings higher. “I wish that I could do anything, too!” chimes in my daughter. They are laughing. They are cold in the afternoon air. They are not wearing shoes.

I want to drink in all of this moment. For in this moment, I have slowed down. Chosen to ignore the phone by stuffing it in the depths of a recliner. Decided to hold my toddler when she woke from her nap and smelled like warm baby and apple juice. Made a cup of Earl Grey Creme hot tea and made it strong. Toasted a bagel and smothered it with cream cheese even though it’s already 4:30, just because it sounded good.

My children are all over the yard. They are yelling about rocket ships and pilgrims and plans for Saturday. Bare feet are hitting the grass, and I am still watching them.

I spend so much of motherhood challenging myself to do better. To read more books, seek out godly wisdom from more experienced mothers, set up more discipline charts. I am full of words like “effective” and “purpose” and “intentional”. I am charging ahead towards the goal, dragging my children behind me.

What has happened to me? Do my children know who I am? What changed once I became a mother? How did I lose my ability to relax and let life wash over me?

I like old Broadway musicals. Fiddler on the Roof, The Music Man, South Pacific. I know the words to every song from most of those old shows. But how often have I put on the music I love and danced around with my kids? … I like walking in the rain and making chili and reading C.S Lewis out loud to whoever will listen.  But have I ever done any of those things with my kids?

I don’t think my children know that woman.

They know the woman who is complaining at them for being barefoot. The woman who worries that they are swinging too high. The woman who hustles them off to bed so that she can finally relax.

But I don’t want to be that kind of mother - nagging, hurrying, upset. I want to be myself as a mom - to rediscover who I am and show that to my children. I want to take that risk as a parent, to live boldly as a mother, without fear. I want to stop dragging my children behind me as I lead them captive toward that elusive destination called “perfect motherhood”.

Instead I will turn around. I will walk outside. I will push them on the swings and talk about why rainy weather is best, and I will sing some of my songs. I will push them higher.

And we will get to know each other.

God, you are calling me into a life where I can lay down my fears and trust you. Lord, you know I am afraid of surrendering control as a mom. But, Father, these are your children. Fill me with confidence to parent without fear and control. Instead, Lord, I ask that you will fill me this day with your Holy Spirit as I let your love fill me me and flow out towards my family. In the name of Your Son, Amen.

“While Jesus was in the Temple, he watched the rich people dropping their gifts in the collection box. Then a poor widow came by and dropped in two small coins. ‘I tell you the truth,’ Jesus said, ‘this poor widow has given more than all the rest of them. For they have given a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she has.’ ” (Luke 21:1-4).

My grandmother fell and hurt her back. I need to take her to the doctor today. My two-year-old has a runny nose and a bad attitude. She needs my care and correction. My husband has been sick for two days and asked me yesterday if I could, please, warm a can of soup for him. I needed to warm the soup, but I wanted to throw the can through the window and order Chinese food instead. I have emails to respond to, people I should talk to, doctors’ appointments to make, Thanksgiving to plan and cook for, and dishes to wash. I need to do all of these things, and I want to do exactly none of them.

My floors are filthy, the laundry room (dark because I haven’t replaced the burnt-out bulb) is overflowing, and I haven’t exercised in a month. This week my counselor has encouraged me to find time to sit before the Lord and pray through some of my childhood pain. For example, maybe I should pray through the reason I can’t slow down? I would like to do this, really. But I don’t have the time.

When I prayed this morning, I was mad. I told God that I was incredibly sick of not having enough time to do everything I needed to do. I am tired of hating that I can not be enough for everyone in my life. I can’t be enough wife, daughter, mother, granddaughter, friend, and church volunteer. I definitely can’t be enough housekeeper or chef.

I felt like I was going to drown in the weight of all the areas that I can’t measure up. The ways that I am afraid of disappointing the people I love. I’ll never be enough for the people I love.

“Look, Lord,” I prayed, “Your Word says I can come boldly to your throne with confidence and that I’ll find grace to help in time of need. So…help me! HELP ME!”

Then I screamed into my pink pillow a few times.

People began flashing in front of my mind. People I have never been enough for. My mother. My stepdads. My children. Friends. “I HAVE NEVER BEEN ENOUGH FOR ANY OF THESE PEOPLE, GOD. I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE.” I sobbed.

You are enough for Me.

Just like that. His voice speaks, and everything changes. His voice speaks, and I understand. His voice speaks, and it’s the voice I long for, the voice of the One who Sings over me.

I’m enough for Him. Nothing I do (or don’t do) separates me from His love. My successes and my failures don’t separate me from His love. My parenting and cooking and impulsive shopping don’t separate me from His love. My broken family doesn’t separate me from His love. Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

How is this really true? How can I begin to understand the depth of His love for me? That I, the woman who just screamed for thirty minutes and wrote angry words all over her prayer journal, am enough for Him? That He adores me? That I am His girl?

I still come to Jesus’ feet like I did the day I first met Him - just as I am. I might be sobbing, or I might be smiling. I might be in a great mood and feeling good about my life and how I am living out my goals, or I might come angry and a complete emotional wreck. He’ll take me any way I come. Because I’m enough for my Lord.

And, Abba, You are enough for me. Thank You for loving me in the middle of my mess. Holy Spirit, help to understand how deep and how wide is the Father’s love for me. That He loves me regardless. I love You, I love You, I love You. Amen.