Clothed
“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed…” (Lamentations 3:22).
When I was a little girl, I was given really extreme consequences for things that were, in retrospect, relatively minor. The punishments were usually meant to humiliate and shame me. The worst part was that I never knew when the next consequence was coming. As a result, I had a lot of low-level anxiety throughout my childhood.
Once, when I was seven, I didn’t finish getting ready for school on time. My consequence was to go to school dressed only in my underwear. I remember sitting huddled in the backseat of our grey Honda Accord while being driven to school. Hoping to somehow be rescued from my nakedness. Terrified that my little friends would see my small body exposed with only a small pair of Strawberry Shortcake panties to cover me.
I wasn’t rescued that day. Instead, I spent the day in the guidance counselor’s office. I passed the hours making dolls out of Kleenex. (I wonder now, why did they let me go home?)
I remember these experiences pretty disspassionately. I guess I’ve always thought of my childhood as normal – I didn’t know anything else. And I’ve never seen any value in going back and bringing up these old memories. I think I’m afraid I’ll start to feel something instead of just feeling numb -and then what will I do?
The memory of what happened to me that day has been on my mind lately. And I think it’s because I am feeling exposed again. Afraid that if I open the door fully to God that I won’t be rescued.
Keeping these places shut away and forgotten has worked pretty well for thirty years. But lately…not so much. I know now that God is wanting ALL of my life. He is wanting access to all the places that I want to forget. He wants my future and somehow He wants my past, too. It is clear to me that the Lord is unwilling to let me ignore the things that I am afraid to acknowledge. And, friends, I am terrified.
But I have a new Father. One who covers me, who clothes me, who protects me, who hides me. All the things that were not true of my earthly parents are gloriously true of my Heavenly Father.
I am willing to open up the door and trust that He will be faithful. He is promising me that “because of His great love I am not consumed.” No matter what I face, no matter what is uncovered, because of HIS love for me…I will be okay. In fact, I will be more than okay. I will be free.
Lord, thank you that you now clothe me with joy (Psalm 30). Your love overwhelms my soul, Jesus. I open every door and give you full access to my heart this day. I surrender my whole life to you. Amen.
Excellent devotion! Yes feeling exposed is never easy, yet when we allow ourselves to be exposed to the Lord, we can trust Him with these things. And that’s where He wants us. I look forward to seeing more of how He guides you through this.
How awful that you had to go through that as a small child. ((hugs))
(((Jess))) what a horrible memory to have! I know it must be so hard to overcome such a terrible childhood, but God can heal you and he longs to do so. What a blessing that, indeed, we can trust in him to cover us and protect us. You can trust completely that he will ALWAYS rescue you.
I found your blog just this past minute. I love what I’ve read so far. I live in West Tennessee. Where in the South are you?
Powerful story–I’m sorry a savior didn’t rescue that day. But I’m glad you know a Savior now who does, and he will never leave you naked. Thanks for sharing that powerful experience.
Oh my heart just breaks for what you went through as a child. I simply can’t imagine. Thank the Lord that you are forever His Child. Lots of hugs to you as you begin to open places that are full of hurt to the One that can heal the hurt and shower you with love eternal. hugs hugs hugs to you!!!
Hi there. Found you via your giveaway (it made me want to know more about you!) and I’ve read your latest few posts. This one broke my heart for that little girl huddled in the car. And I loved what you said about God wanting ALL of you now. I pray you can open all of you to Him for your complete healing.
I’m glad you decided to keep blogging! I’ll be back.
Thanks for sharing. I’m glad that you decided to leave this blog post, in spite of feeling vulnerable.
It made me cry, reading it. I’m glad that you now have the Lord and that you can feel safe in Him. It also makes me a little bit sick, knowing that I’m too harsh with and too hard on my kids. I’d never take them anywhere in just their underwear, but I do fall short with being the always-loving, always-patient, always-kind mommy I want to be. I guess that feeling is whatcha call conviction. Gotta face it for what it is. Now I’m off to go repent.
I am so sorry you had to experience that childhood moment of pain. It was wrong and not of the Lord. I can say that boldly now, because I’ve just come through a year of healing with the Lord. After 11 months of counseling to deal with my childhood and other parts of my past, I can see the truth much more clearer.
Even though I’ve been a Christian for 15 years, many of those years I had trouble understanding God’s character and His word in the context of my own experiences. As I went back to many (if not all) of the horrible memories and talked to my counselor and to Jesus about them, I found out all sorts of lies that I was believing. I was able to pray and allow the Holy Spirit to show me the truth of who I am in Christ and who God is. It was hard, with lots of grieving and crying over my childhood. But it was worth it. Slowly, bit by bit, the Lord opened the wounds and healed them properly with His love, grace, and mercy.
Jess, don’t hold back. Go at this healing whole hog. Let Jesus disinfected and properly tend to every single wound. You will become transformed, renewed, and redeemed in such a way, you’ll never regret a single tear ever shed in the process.
Please email me if you ever need encouragement to keep going. I’ll be there to push you along, back into Jesus’ loving arms.
Love,
Elisa
I think it is a beautiful testament to your level of healing to be able to share that painful memory and turn it into a picture of the Father’s love.I know this side of Heaven we will never quite “get there” but it sounds like you are well on your way!
I am blessed to have found your blog!
I recently found your blog and loved your style of writing. Its so fresh and honest. I, too, had a traumatic childhood. In recent months God has really impressed on my heart that it is time for me to allow Him to heal those wounds that I was guarding. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t allowing Him in.
Through much prayer & Bible study, talking with others, and some wonderful books, I can say I am on the road to healing. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones going through pain. This blog entry broke my heart but reminded me that many others have issues God is in the process of healing. He is the Great Physician!!
Thanks for sharing this. Your complete authenticity was refreshing. I know that had to be hard. I hope you will continue to blog about your healing process. What a testimony to God’s grace it will be!
Jess,
My eyes are wet and my heart is full. Oh, how I love to read your posts and devotions. I am going to add you to my blog roll. You don’t wear masks. That is what I love about you. I just did a post on masks this week. You are so real. What is not to love about You? Thanks for the blessings! Carol