The Prayer Room

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?…But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me” (Psalm 13).

Yesterday morning I had three hours to myself. Most of the time, I feel a lot of pressure with the unexpected gift of a chunk of time by myself. “I feel like I need to really work hard to relax. To make it count.” I say this to my husband, who rolls his eyes and says that’s really not the point. That putting pressure on myself to relax will probably keep me from enjoying the time at all. He’s right, of course.

I filled my Eddie Bauer tote bag with my Bible, prayer notebook, and IPod. Then I headed for the Prayer Room – a quiet room at a local church where I have sought refuge for years. I go there when I need to be truly alone with the Lord. The atmosphere is peaceful, the walls are a light brown with painted scripture, and there are several copies of the Bible scattered around the room. Lots of green church chairs. Low lighting. A leather couch with two pillows – the place I always settle in.

And I spent some time reading the Bible, mostly in Psalms. It seems like the Psalms are speaking so much to me right now- the cry of the Psalmist resonates with me during this season of change. I pray the words back to the Lord…how long?…why?….The thing that I really love about the Psalms is how the writers long to worship the Lord. As I read Psalm 13, I felt my own desire to worship the Lord rise up in me.

Yes, I had come to the Prayer Room in a horrible mood. Yes, I have a lot of unanswered questions right now. Yes, I feel covered in heaviness and, in some ways, far from God. But I can still worship Him. I can still enter His Presence, bringing Him my brokenness and waiting for Him to fill me.

I began to sing…loudly (I don’t usually sing loudly in the Prayer Room in case someone comes in – but I’ve never seen anyone there). I rose to my feet. I raised my hands. I began to dance and cry before God. Yes! He is worthy! Yes! He is mighty to be praised in spite of my circumstances! Yes! He fills me with joy in the middle of my darkness! He is a wonderful God! OH! I love Him…I love Him.

Then I laughed. Because His Presence was so sweet to me and somehow so unexpected. And I kept laughing…just because He was so good to meet with me.

That was my time in the Prayer Room. And I wanted to share it because I feel like what I’ve been writing about lately is heavy, dark, hard – because that’s where I am right now. Some of the effects of my childhood pain and abuse have surfaced, and I have to confront them. I don’t want to at all – because the result is really painful. But in the middle of the pain, God is going to give me moments of laughter and dancing and worship. Strength for the journey, filling my spirit. And it reassures me that in spite of how I feel or where I am that my God is taking care of me. Holding me in His hand. So I can relax.

God, I love you. Thank you for the privilege of worshiping you. You are Holy, Lord. Holy Spirit, help me to understand I can trust you with the different seasons of my life, even the hard ones. In Jesus name, Amen.