“Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him” (Psalm 105:4).
I think my flesh has decided to take over. Seriously. My time with the Lord has been so sweet; it’s when I come downstairs after I pray and read the Bible - that’s where I’m getting into trouble.
Yesterday I was so upset with my husband (the same husband that I spoke so lovingly of just a few days ago) that I crossed a line verbally with him that I haven’t crossed in years. Years, people. And as I sat by myself in the living room after he left for work, I wondered why I was unable to show the love of Jesus to him.
I can get so deeply upset with myself at times like this. Instead of praying and asking the Lord to come in and forgive and heal the moment and the day, I feel that I need to punish myself somehow by letting my negative thoughts take control. I’ve behaved badly, so maybe I should beat myself up mentally for a while. Oh, yes. I’m sure that’s what God is wanting for me.
The Lord reminded me this morning in His Word that this is a process. The things He is refining, the parts of my heart that are not yet wholly surrendered - I am in the middle of a process with the Lord, having not yet arrived. But that doesn’t mean I should hate myself for making (another) mistake. Instead, I can quickly ask for His forgiveness in the moment and ask for His help going forward.
And I can expect that I will make mistakes. I will probably yell at Hugh sometime again soon. Anger is a battleground for me. I may overcommit in my schedule again. My need for self-importance is always calling out to my calendar. I may speak impatiently to my children, be rude to a friend, or mismanage my finances..
But maybe next time…next time, I will quickly seek the Lord and ask Him to come in and fill me with His strength in that moment of failure. And I will cry out to God instantly for His forgiveness and ask Him for the strength to forgive myself. I will start to really understand that this is a process and it’s okay that I have not yet arrived at the end of these struggles.
Then I will shake off my discouragement and move forward with Jesus as I live out my day. Hallelujah!
God, thank you for filling me with your strength as I seek you. I love you so much, Jesus. Amen…
Isn’t it great that we get a clean slate whenever we’re ready to give it up to Jesus? I dent to beat myself up too…and the day just spirals down from there.