“Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice” (Psalm 51:16-17, The Message)
This morning I was desperate for God. Completely, totally desperate for Him. The last few weeks have been extremely hard for me. I have shared some of those reasons with the people I love, but other reasons have remained tucked away in my heart, seen only by my Father.
In these last few weeks, God has seemed distant to me. I’ve heard His voice only fleetingly as I have struggled upstairs to my prayer chair and opened the Bible and sat staring at the mint walls of this bedroom. I have heard whispers in my heart from the Holy Spirit as I have struggled to hear from the Lord. Whispers of “slow down” or “come and sit longer” have flitted across my mind as I move on to my next task.
Yesterday ended in a glorious bang of my sinful nature rearing its ugly head. So many examples to share, each story painful and embarrassing.
I came to Him today broken and empty. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do but sit and listen. I put a timelock on my computer so that I couldn’t log on to check my email till late morning. I sent my children over to my grandmother’s house next door for a bountiful breakfast of bacon and Playhouse Disney. I put in my earplugs and put on my IPod. Grabbed my Bible. And sat. Waiting and crying.
And when I started to read His Word, I read it with a hunger that I haven’t had in a long time. I read the Bible this morning knowing that I needed His Word to come in and change my heart, my day, and my attitude. I read with desperation, knowing that the only answer to my failures and my emptiness would be found in those pages.
I read Colossians and the Spirit began to speak…”strengthened with glorious power…filled with joy…holy and blameless…continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it…” The Word, alive, leaping off the page into my dry heart and filling me with life. I read chapter one. I reread chapter one. I grabbed my pen and underlined verses. I prayed some of verses for myself. I started to picture myself living out the truth in the verses.
His Word was once again alive to me.
In these last few weeks, I had forgotten something very basic about the heart of God. He will not deny a broken and contrite spirit. I think I had assumed that my unhappiness about the chaos of my life WAS brokenness. I did not understand that true brokenness would result in a desperate longing for HIM, not a change in my life.
This morning I was desperate for only one thing - God’s Presence. I came to Him with my hands empty and my spirit heavy. And the Lord met with me this morning. He spoke to me in the dark places of my heart and mind and reminded me of who He is and who I am in Him.
I drank of His Word, and His Holy Spirit washed over me. My desperation for God was gone, replaced with a holy contentment and (…ah…finally…) rest.
God, I am desperate for you. Keep me in this place. Every morning longing to see your face. Every morning crawling into your lap and laying my head on your chest and hearing you speak to me. I love you, Father.
Thanks for your transparency here on your blog, Jess. It really blesses me and I know it does the same for so many other people. You are wonderful!
Thank you for putting into words EXACTLY what I’ve been feeling for weeks now. I agree with the other commenter, your transparency is a real blessing. I hadn’t thought about how the chaos of my life is not the brokenness God desires until you wrote about it. Thanks Jess, it helps more than you know.