Mourning Into Dancing

“Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me” (Psalm 42:7).

Jesus and I went to the beach this weekend. Oh, um, I guess I should say that my husband and children came, too. In fact, it seemed like Jesus kept showing up in the faces of my children and in the words of my husband. I just had to slow down to see it.

So I slowed down. I spent hours in the sand and the waves while my children shrieked and giggled and dug sand into mountains. I watched my two-year-old steal her sister’s sand. And I couldn’t stop laughing - because (although I can’t figure out exactly why) somehow I identified with her need to take the sand.

I slowed down and got really honest with my husband. I lay on the pastel bedspread surrounded by pillows holding a cup of Maxwell House coffee…and I became transparent and vulnerable and scared as I let him in to a deep part of my heart. I had a conversation with him that I have been too scared to voice for almost two years. Two years is a long time to let something go unspoken in a marriage - a lesson I need to remember.

I slowed down with God. I got up early with that coffee and sat with my Bible and prayer notebook and watched the whitecaps hit the shore. Waves applauding in worship. I breathed the Creator in and read His Word and took a walk by myself and let go of guilt by the water.

I am so grateful for this time. It feels like God opened up heaven for me this weekend and decided to pour out refreshment all over me. I feel refreshed, energized, and focused.

Ready for the week. Ready for my life.

Lord, thank you for the time away. Thank you for the life I have to come home to. Open my eyes, Father, that I can see you everywhere. Amen.

“Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him” (Psalm 105:4).

I think my flesh has decided to take over. Seriously. My time with the Lord has been so sweet; it’s when I come downstairs after I pray and read the Bible - that’s where I’m getting into trouble.

Yesterday I was so upset with my husband (the same husband that I spoke so lovingly of just a few days ago) that I crossed a line verbally with him that I haven’t crossed in years. Years, people. And as I sat by myself in the living room after he left for work, I wondered why I was unable to show the love of Jesus to him.

I can get so deeply upset with myself at times like this. Instead of praying and asking the Lord to come in and forgive and heal the moment and the day, I feel that I need to punish myself somehow by letting my negative thoughts take control. I’ve behaved badly, so maybe I should beat myself up mentally for a while. Oh, yes. I’m sure that’s what God is wanting for me.

The Lord reminded me this morning in His Word that this is a process. The things He is refining, the parts of my heart that are not yet wholly surrendered - I am in the middle of a process with the Lord, having not yet arrived. But that doesn’t mean I should hate myself for making (another) mistake. Instead,  I can quickly ask for His forgiveness in the moment and ask for His help going forward.

And I can expect that I will make mistakes. I will probably yell at Hugh sometime again soon. Anger is a battleground for me. I may overcommit in my schedule again. My need for self-importance is always calling out to my calendar. I may speak impatiently to my children, be rude to a friend, or mismanage my finances..

But maybe next time…next time, I will quickly seek the Lord and ask Him to come in and fill me with His strength in that moment of failure. And I will cry out to God instantly for His forgiveness and ask Him for the strength to forgive myself. I will start to really understand that this is a process and it’s okay that I have not yet arrived at the end of these struggles.

Then I will shake off my discouragement and move forward with Jesus as I live out my day. Hallelujah!

God, thank you for filling me with your strength as I seek you. I love you so much, Jesus. Amen…

Good morning!

Please join me this morning at Faith Lifts for a devotion that I hope will bless your heart and encourage your day!

“O my soul, bless God. From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name! O my soul, bless God, don’t forget a single blessing” (Psalm 103:1-2, The Message)! 

Today I made precut pumpkin cookies with my four year old daughter. Hannajean was in charge of pushing out the shapes and arranging them on a baking sheet. In her exuberance to be creative, she starting giving the pumpkins hair and hats with bits of leftover dough. I got in on the action by decorating my own pumpkin with a huge tongue coming out of its orange mouth. It was, I must confess, the most popular cookie.

Today I read “Harry the Dirty Dog” to my two year daughter, Lucy. Several times. “Want Harry again, ” she would inform me as we lay on my bed with the tv off and her siblings occupied upstairs. In between readings, I would pretend to eat her toes. This, of course, inspired much giggling.

Today I took a bath and (hallelujah!) shaved my legs so that when I snuggle on the bed with my husband I will feel sort of attractive. Today I also spent over an hour on the phone with my best friend catching up since she got back in town from her vacation.  Today I read a book by myself for a half hour.

Today I also kept up the house and prepared meals and spent about an hour on the computer checking email and working on some things for church (okay, exactly an hour - because I have a timelock on my computer so that I can’t spend more than an hour online each day…some people have internal boundaries, I still need the external structure to help me live out my priorities - as embarrasing as that can be to admit).

In the middle of my cookie-making, I got hit with a tremendous wave a guilt. All of a sudden, I thought back over my day and realized I hadn’t accomplished enough. And that in fact, my worst fear was true - I am not doing enough.

It really rocked me emotionally…for about two minutes. Then I felt this peace from the Lord descend over my heart as I realized the truth about my day.

My day was wonderful. My day was led by God. Spending time making cookies and reading “Harry” was His plan for my day. And I didn’t actually have the time to do much else. Pouring love and affection into my daughters took a lot of my time today. That’s what I did. It was EXACTLY what He called me to do.

I believe that the Lord wants me to stop believing the lie that I can fit in many, many things in a day around mothering my children. I do this because I compare myself to women I have read about or seen from a distance (a distance, because up close everyone becomes clearer) and I worry that I must DO MORE to be who He is calling me to be in this season.

But the things He calls me to do will likely involve a lot more cookie-making and times on the bed with my growing-so-fast toddler. It will involve more saying “no” to commitments and “yes” to the gift of thirty minutes of reading a book to nourish my spirit. And I can learn to trust this calling as I have learned to trust Him hundreds of times before.

He has always been faithful, and He was faithful today.

O-kay. This has nothing to do with Reading Rainbow (the best show ever…”butterflies in the sky..I can fly twice as high”…I love you, LeVar!) but I thought it was an appropriate title to my post because both my post and Reading Rainbow have to do with the wonderful world of…BOOKS!

Or, rather, one of the books that I am reading right now. And it is really speaking VOLUMES to me. Look over in my “Books I’m Currently Reading” List. Do you see the top book? The orange one? Well, I’m GIVING AWAY THREE COPIES OF IT TO THE FIRST THREE PEOPLE WHO LEAVE ME A COMMENT ON THIS POST.

I’ll mail it to you. Hand it to you if I know you personally. Whatever. I just wanted to do something spontaneous as a way to bless you.

Shakin’ things up at Mourning Into Dancing, boy. What will I do next now that I’ve moved out of my stressful weeks into some peace. Hm…

“Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice” (Psalm 51:16-17, The Message)

This morning I was desperate for God. Completely, totally desperate for Him. The last few weeks have been extremely hard for me. I have shared some of those reasons with the people I love, but other reasons have remained tucked away in my heart, seen only by my Father.

In these last few weeks, God has seemed distant to me. I’ve heard His voice only fleetingly as I have struggled upstairs to my prayer chair and opened the Bible and sat staring at the mint walls of this bedroom. I have heard whispers in my heart from the Holy Spirit as I have struggled to hear from the Lord. Whispers of “slow down” or “come and sit longer” have flitted across my mind as I move on to my next task.

Yesterday ended in a glorious bang of my sinful nature rearing its ugly head. So many examples to share, each story painful and embarrassing.

I came to Him today broken and empty. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do but sit and listen. I put a timelock on my computer so that I couldn’t log on to check my email till late morning. I sent my children over to my grandmother’s house next door for a bountiful breakfast of bacon and Playhouse Disney. I put in my earplugs and put on my IPod. Grabbed my Bible. And sat. Waiting and crying.

And when I started to read His Word, I read it with a hunger that I haven’t had in a long time. I read the Bible this morning knowing that I needed His Word to come in and change my heart, my day, and my attitude. I read with desperation, knowing that the only answer to my failures and my emptiness would be found in those pages.

I read Colossians and the Spirit began to speak…”strengthened with glorious power…filled with joy…holy and blameless…continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it…” The Word, alive, leaping off the page into my dry heart and filling me with life. I read chapter one. I reread chapter one. I grabbed my pen and underlined verses. I prayed some of verses for myself. I started to picture myself living out the truth in the verses.

His Word was once again alive to me.

In these last few weeks, I had forgotten something very basic about the heart of God. He will not deny a broken and contrite spirit. I think I had assumed that my unhappiness about the chaos of my life WAS brokenness. I did not understand that true brokenness would result in a desperate longing for HIM, not a change in my life.

This morning I was desperate for only one thing - God’s Presence. I came to Him with my hands empty and my spirit heavy. And the Lord met with me this morning. He spoke to me in the dark places of my heart and mind and reminded me of who He is and who I am in Him.

I drank of His Word, and His Holy Spirit washed over me. My desperation for God was gone, replaced with a holy contentment and (…ah…finally…) rest.

God, I am desperate for you. Keep me in this place. Every morning longing to see your face. Every morning crawling into your lap and laying my head on your chest and hearing you speak to me. I love you, Father.

“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:7).

I have been in the middle of a very chaotic two weeks. Several areas in my life have needed my focus, and I have been pulled in a lot of different directions. As I have been trying to reestablish balance and find His rest again, I have realized that even in the middle of this crazy time, God has been pouring out love and mercy. So here are some things in my life that have been restful in the middle of chaos:

1. Going away with Marybeth. Ahhh! It was wonderful. She was the speaker at a women’s conference this past weekend and I tagged along. I felt like I got some clarity from God as I listened to her speak and as I spent time in prayer. Awesome. A totally unexpected gift.

2. Coming home to find that my husband had a huge surge of motivation and CLEANED THE WHOLE HOUSE. If you don’t do anything for the rest of the year, Hugh, it will have been enough - to come home and find my house spotless after a week of company. My husband is a gift.

3. Attending a ballet of “Beauty and the Beast” with my four-year-old daughter. She picked out her own outfit. A white Easter dress with matching white hat. White shoes. White knee highs. Little purse. We had second-row seats, and she was enthralled. I was savoring every second of my time alone with her, especially when she leaned over in the second act and started kissing my cheek. My daughter is a gift.

4. Ordering cable and watching previously recorded episodes of Iron Chef while eating store-bought rotisserie chicken. I am finishing up this post, and then I will escape to my big bed and snuggle down with my husband and watch Alton Brown announce tonight’s food battle on Iron Chef while I eat a plate of hot food that my husband microwaved for me. I don’t know why, but there is nothing I’d rather do tonight. My food, my tv show, my bed, my servant husband - all gifts.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me the blessings you are giving me in the middle of this hard week. I love your faithfulness to me. It is all around. I love you.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength” (Psalm 23).

I love His Word because it is true even when I don’t feel like it is true. I love His Word because it is a promise to me of who God when He seems far away.

I read these verses this morning and I offer them to you. He lets me rest…leads me beside peaceful streams…He renews my strength.

I need this right now. Today. Tonight. His rest, His leading, His strength to come in and fill my empty cup completely. I have written of the busyness of my life, a busyness I cannot and will not sustain. I do not have the answer to how to be less busy and I don’t know what to cut. I don’t know how to find balance.

But He can help me. His word says He will lead me to green meadows and that He will renew my strength.

I look forward eagerly and with great joy to telling you how the Lord is going to move in my life in this season and set me free from busyness and show me how to live out His priorities with balance.

Father, you see where I am and you know I cannot sustain this pace. I need you so desperately. I lay it all on the altar, Lord. Come and speak to me in the quiet.