Mourning Into Dancing

There was a lie that I believed for a long time about prayer. I would think, “I don’t feel like praying today” or “I don’t need to pray today”. And I have gotten into some serious spiritual dryness every time I have listened to this lie.

Now, please don’t misunderstand - I’m not saying that I set aside time with the Lord 365 days a year. (Jesus, if I have even a whiff of legalism, come and throw this blog over the cliff with those swine). I understand that there are times when we absolutely cannot get away to be alone with the Lord. Times of exhaustion, illness, and having a newborn are times when I have offered up my weary heart to Him and trusted in His faithfulness alone. I’m not talking about those times.

No, I’m referring to the times when I feel particularly self-important, buried in my self-imposed busyness–those were the times I was listening to that lie. “Don’t need to…don’t feel like it.”

What do I do when I don’t want to pray? What can I do when I am not thirsty for Him?

THE FIRST THING I DO IS PRAY FOR A DESIRE TO PRAY. That may sound weird, but it’s what I do. I have to say out loud, “Lord, give me a desire to pray. Give me a sense of what life looks like when I try to do it without Your leading and Your Word. God, I’m not hungry for You right now—make me hungry for You. Please, God, give me a passion to be with You.”

The thing is, God WANTS to answer that prayer. I used to think faith was about seeing my situation changed, but the longer I walk with Jesus, the more I realize faith is about trusting who He is in every situation. So I can pray for a hunger for Him, and He will answer. And my faith increases as I become more aware of His Presence.

THE SECOND THING I DO WHEN I DON’T WANT TO PRAY IS THAT I SPEND TIME WITH THE LORD ANYWAY. I make myself available to Him. I put Him first even when I don’t want to. Because, the truth is, there are days when my prayer time is not effective, my walk with Him is dry, and I feel discouraged. But as I have developed consistency in spending time with Him, those times are not as frequent. So the question is no longer “Will I pray today?” but rather “Why don’t I want to pray today, Lord? I’m still showing up this morning to talk to you. So can we talk about this? Show me my heart, Holy Spirit.”

Lord, I want to be a “tree planted by streams of water (Ps. 1)”. Lord, give me the wisdom to plant myself by You, Jesus, the Living Water. I ask for eyes to see life and death in how I order my days.

“Oh, God, You are my God; I earnestly search for You. My soul thirsts for You; my whole body longs for You in this parched and weary land where there is no water (Ps. 63:1).”

I spent the first eight years of my Christian life struggling to have a prayer life. My main solution was to try harder–of course, trying harder doesn’t usually work. The more I tried to have “a quiet time” or “my devotions”, the less I did. And yet, something in my spirit still called for me to meet with God consistently - I just didn’t know how to do it.

The first thing that radically helped me to develop consistency in time with God was A REALLY DEEP REALIZATION OF HOW DEEPLY MY DAYS SUCKED WHEN I DIDN’T SPEND TIME WITH GOD. The more time I spent with the Lord, the more I realized how much I needed Him.

My thirst for Him didn’t go away; I became more thirsty.

I began to notice the difference time with the Lord made in every aspect of my life. Anger with Hugh…or humility. Irritation with kids….or patience. Impulsive spending…or restraint. Wild overcommitment in my schedule…unhurried life.

Being filled daily with the Holy Spirit changes my day. So now, spending time with God is not something to check off my list. I don’t do it because I have to; I do it because I need to. It is a totally different motivation for me-one that draws me to His Presence…

Lord, thank you for showing me how much I need You each day. You are my favorite person to spend time with! I love you.

This is an official teaser. Tomorrow morning will begin a series of posts that I am so excited about that I want to jump up, yell, and dance all around (hmm…sounds like me at church).

I have been thinking for a while about taking some time to write out some thoughts about having a PRACTICAL, EASY, and JOYFUL prayer life.

This is one of my biggest passions. This is what I would take about if we were going to meet at Panera and you asked me to talk about God and what my daily relationship with Him looks like….

Yeah!! The really exciting thing for me is that this morning our Pastor is going to be preaching on prayer, so I am really looking forward to hearing from him about this, as well.

Six days! Six posts! More tools! Yeah, Jesus!

Father, I want to know You more. Come and speak and fill my life with Your Presence, Lord.

One of my biggest struggles that I face as a Christian-my ongoing battle with guilt. It’s the guilt that tells me the same thing over and over. The guilt that whispers, “Not quite enough…not quite enough..not quite enough…”

I’m not doing quite enough as a mom. It’s not enough to stay at home full time, why am I not planning more trips to the library or baking cute cupcakes with my kids or playing more board games or painting more little toes pink or…?

I’m not doing quite enough as a wife. It’s not enough to daily pray for my husband, plan a marriage conference, and start date nights (Cheesecake Factory last Thursday-yum!). Why am I not up early making him lunch to take to work or respecting him in every situation or listening better about his job or…?

I’m not doing quite enough at church, with my friends, my lawn, or my closets. I should spend more time with my grandmother, reach more people for Jesus, and cook healthier meals.

I’m not doing enough. I, somehow, am not enough.

At times I feel hopeless about all the ways that I feel I am not measuring up. This results in me becoming less motivated to do the things I’m already doing. Other times I decide that I CAN do more, I MUST do more, and if I pray HARDER then God will show me (this time) how I can hyper-plan and control my life. This usually involves a giant calendar and a lot of index cards.

So here is my nugget (I wanted to have five to eight amazing points about how I am moving totally away from any guilt and here is how, but this is all I have): If I turn my heart to listen to the voice of my Lord, He says, “Slow down, Jess. You are letting the little things dominate you. You have expectations for yourself that I don’t have for you. Come and talk to me, Jess.”

Then the Lord talks to me about trust. Trust means I offer God each day and rely on Him to show me His plan for me for that day. His plan for me is not crowded. His plate for me is not too full. Maybe I won’t ever do all the things I think I”should” do, but I don’t need to spend time on things He’s not asking me to do.

His yoke is still easy.

Father, I put on Your yoke this day. Show me Your plans for me. I submit again to Your Lordship of my life and acknowledge that You are in control. I love you.

Today is my J-DOS!!!

This stands for Jess’ Day of Solitude. And I am grabbing my Bible, prayer notebook, a travel coffee mug, and hitting the road.

A few months ago, our small group leader at church suggested that we all read “The Life You’ve Always Wanted” by John Ortburg. The funny thing is that I had a really bad attitude about reading this book because I thought it would be lightweight and not apply to anything in my life. I really didn’t want to read it.

The book is phenomenal.

One of my favorite chapters (I’ve read it at least five times) is on having an unhurried life. Among other things, Ortburg suggests taking occasional days of solitude to focus on prayer, Bible reading, and rest. Not only does our spirit get refreshed, but we can get perspective on all the things we feel need our constant attention. Yes, the world can go on spinning without me this day at my house.

Of course, there’s the guilt. “I don’t need it this time. What is wrong with me that I am going to take a day to pray? Maybe there’s a faster way to get refreshed!” Yet I feel like the Lord reminded me that EVERY time I do this, I feel guilty.

So maybe this time I won’t feel any guilt at all. I will understand in my gut that taking time to pray and rest away from the noise every once in a while is a good…no, a GREAT thing.

Father, thank you for the gift of time just with You. Please set me free from false importance and false guilt. Give me a Mary heart this day, God.

Here is the verse I have decided to spray paint up on every wall in my house. (Okay, maybe not. But it just may come to that.)

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise (Prov. 10:19)”.

I called a friend this morning and began immediately downloading my life to her. “Well, then THIS happened…I couldn’t believe when…Geez, I just felt so…I don’t know what I’m going to do about…” We talked (well, I talked) for a while, then I asked her a little bit about her life and got off the phone so I could quickly move on to my next important task.

I am doing this with my husband as well. I have so much I am trying to get done that I talk AT him for a while, then move on to the next important thing. Huh.

The thing that really reveals my heart is that I know that if we met for the first time, you would have all my attention as I sought to show you what an amazing listener I am and how interested I am in your life.

I called my friend back. “How am I doing with listening to you lately?” I asked her.

“Oh…okay.” She said.

At this point I got out the spray paint and got to work. Or, rather, did the hard work of asking for her forgivness.

She was gracious - she told me that she had been thinking it was because I had been so excited about everything going on in my life. And maybe that is why, but that’s no excuse.

I don’t care what else needs to happen. If I’ve stopped being a good listener to the people who matter most in my life, then I had better fling everything off my calendar in order to find large amounts of space to have unhurried time to listen to the people who matter most.

Lord, help me to listen to You first in everything. Slow me down, God. Give me Your ears in every situation. If I’m talking, I can’t hear You. I want to hear You, Jesus!

This morning I stumbled out of bed and made my way to my favorite place in the house. Before I could even “begin” praying (I think the Holy Spirit thinks I am so hilarious, but not as hilarious as I think I am), God began immediately speaking to me about an issue that needed instant repentance. There was no gentle process of revealing the issue through His Word. He just showed me the sin quickly and firmly.

This was not a time of repentance where my response was one of wailing and throwing ashes on my head. Maybe it should have been, I don’t know. I asked for the Lord’s forgiveness, but even as I did, I realized I was not having a soft heart about the my sin.

If I don’t see the full weight of death that my sin brings, I’ll do it again.

So I’m praying a several things. First, that God would give me eyes to see life and death in this area of my life. Second, that by the power of the Holy Spirit, I would choose life! Third, that my desires would line up with the Lord’s desires in this issue….even if it means wailing and ashes.

I know He can change my heart because He has changed it a thousand times before. That’s what I love about walking with Him–I can look back and see His faithfulness to me, so I can trust His faithfulness to me in this situation, too.

Lord, thank you for your forgiveness. I receive it this day! I ask that You would change my heart and my desires to become like those of Your Son. I love You…

I am on top of the mountain right now. Things are going really well in my life. The thing is, this is a completely unfamiliar place for me. So here is my response: total anxiety and guilt.

First, I asked my prayer partner for prayer. “I am just not, um, really needing to be delivered from stuff right now. Stuff is going well. I feel really happy.” I asked her to please pray for me to not be too happy and then (sometimes I want to look at myself in the mirror and say, “Jess, bless your heart”) I asked her if maybe I was manic. Yes, manic.

That is my response to a season of blessing from God.

The thing is, I have been in the valley for most of my life. My childhood was extremely chaotic and painful. I have spent the last few years working through my past, becoming emotionally healed and more like Jesus. I have put in the time to walk through the valley, trusting that the Lord would deliver me.

Now that He has, I’m freaking out.

I was reading James this morning. The first chapter says in verses 2-3, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” I’m all over that verse. That verse sums up a lot of my life with God. I have a trial, He is faithful, and my faith grows.

Later in the chapter, James writes that (verse 17) “every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights”. So why am I surprised when my Father God is giving me this gift of a season of joy and promotion and deliverance?

If I can trust Him in the dark, I can trust Him in the light, too. I can trust that He will still talk to me in every detail right now. I can have confidence that the Holy Spirit will whisper direction about my precious children, encourage me about making dinner, and lead me in every aspect of my life. If I step out of His will, He will let me know.

Psalm 23 tells me that God “lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength.”

He’s renewing my strength right now. He is a good parent and He knows what I need. So I am going to lay down guilt and anxiety at His throne and walk away dancing.

I love you, Jesus.